I Am Not Ashamed, But Maybe You Should Be - Part 5

(IANABMYSB: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four)

I recently read a lovely little story on NPR's website about the prohibitive cost of diapers for low-income families, the resulting health issues for the babies and toddlers, and a nationwide network of diaper banks, where folks in need can get diapers free. To read the article, click here - it's really pretty short. 

(Again, this is why I am not allowed to read comment threads). A couple of folks seemed to really get what I would consider to be the "point" of the article, that this is a need, we all complain about how much diapers cost but for some folks it is huge deal, and it's nice that there are folks out in the world who are trying to address the need. One person in particular said yes, cloth diapers are really ideal but folks may not realize that even in difficult circumstance it is possible to wash them, and perhaps we can more toward educating people. A few took the opportunity to vilify disposable diapers. 

And, this was the first comment to follow the piece, and it had 9 "thumbs up" votes. I have deleted the author's name from this post, but it's right there on the npr.org site for all the world to see. I will hereafter refer to her as "the Lady," because I'm really trying to write this without any profanity. All I can say is, I'm glad I do not know this Lady, I'm glad she is not my mother or my sister or my friend: 

(emphasis near the end: that's mine)

 

• 2 days ago

"As young parents, my spouse and I were quite poor. We were graduate students, lived in the country in a tiny rental house because it's what we could afford. We grew our own food and made our own baby food, etc. etc. Before having our first baby, we accumulated a large enough supply of cloth diapers and received a diaper pail as a gift. We maintained the soiled diapers and diaper pail in accordance with sanitary practices which we took time to learn about and practice. That pail was extremely heavy by the time it was necessary for me to drive the 15 miles each way into town after loading the heavy pail full of wet diapers into the car, the baby and baby equipment, to the Laundromat. I washed the diapers at the laundromat but rarely dried them there. I would load them into a clean receptacle and load the (still heavy but now clean) diapers into the car and drive us back out to our rental spot which had a clothesline outside. There, in all seasons, I would hang the diapers outside to dry. It was all difficult, labor intensive work and required planning ahead and conscientiousness - but those are just a couple of the many important qualities necessary for being a good and responsible parent. My own parents were always very poor. They had five children. My mother would never, ever have re-used a soiled diaper. She would have stayed up at night and hand-washed diapers if need be. There were times when we couldn't afford "feminine hygiene products" and we would use cloth and laundry and labor! This report is just absurd and reflects a kind of helpless, hapless, dependent, irresponsible, whining point of view and probably describes people who should not BE parents at all. Life is not for the lazy and parenting is not for the helpless."

whoo …. …. …. goodness knows I read a lot of crazy stuff online, but I think my mouth was actually hanging open by the end of this. Even a day later I'm at a bit of a loss for words. But here are some. Matt said, "I'm glad her hardscrabble upbringing has led her to be so judgmental." I say:

(Did you also walk 10 miles each way to school and back every day, uphill both ways, in a snowstorm as my Grandpa did? That's kind of what this sounds like)

Since we are talking about mamas and cloth diapers, let me throw my two cents in. When I was about 2 years old, my family was living in a small apartment in a small city. My dad worked his construction job during the day and then went to the plot of land they'd found to build our house in the evening. We ended up moving into the house earlier than planned, before all the indoor plumbing was completed; I believe this is because a super-creepy neighbor in the apartment building was bothering my mom a lot. So when we moved in we had a well with a pump, and an outhouse (suck on that, Lady, we had no indoor plumbing). This meant little to me as I was still in diapers and I have no memory of it, but I'm sure the other members of the family (mom, dad, older brother) were relieved when that was alleviated. It was a long time before we had a washer and even longer for a dryer. My mom, too, schlepped (although this is rural North Carolina, so probably "carried" is better) a stinking pail of diapers to the Laundromat week after week, and we still didn't have a washer long enough that I can remember packing a lunchbox and going with her, so I'm assuming that meant my little sister, who arrived when I was almost 3, was in cloth as well. And, my parents grew a lot of our food, and my mom canned everything she could, and she sewed a lot of our clothing and between her various skills and my dad's, they managed to keep us fed on little money.

And  you know what? My mother would DIE (I mean, she's deceased already, but go with it) - she would absolutely kill herself and die, before she used any of those details to make some other mother feel like crap because they did any of those things differently, much less because they used disposable diapers. She would never ever ever have used any of her life story and choices to imply that the way she did it was better, that everyone should do it that way, or that other choices were somehow "less than." 

Life is not for the lazy and parenting not for the helpless, indeed. Jesus H. Christ - what in the world is that, Lady? We ("we" being "reasonable people") are talking about two pretty specific things here, diapers and how much they cost. I'm glad you have some sort of forum where you can air your superiority, because I can't imagine a person sitting and listening to you actually speaking your point of view for very long, because … it sucks. Sorry, I have a graduate education and a huge vocabulary, but sometimes the simplest phrase is the best. You may be a fine person but you are coming across as a total jerk, and apparently at least a few people agree with you to some extent.

So there are a couple issues here, and because it's me I'll go one by one:

1. Cloth vs. disposable diapers (this is the smokescreen issue here, but it is an issue): I've told you about my mother, Lady, now let me tell you about myself. I am the mother of two small boys, and we used cloth diapers on the older one for the first year. We chose this because we, too, are concerned about the impact of disposables on the environment, and cloth does feel more natural and the boy had hardly any diaper rash whatsoever. But, and, we used a diaper service because we lived in a hippie/yuppie environmentally friendly apartment building and several other families used the same service, and we had the money to do it. Because I worked 45 - 50 hours a week, and my dear husband was working and taking care of the baby 4 days a week, and I was pumping breast milk and there was plenty of laundry anyway, and … yeah. I didn't need the additional hassle.

And my second son? Let me tell you about him; he is the inspiration for this blog. He's now 3 and 1/2 and is doing splendidly, but he was in the NICU for 3 months and had to have open-heart surgery at age 4 months and had a million doctors' appointments and tons of medications and supplemental oxygen and we were exhausted and scared and if some uppity … other mother … had approached me at any point and suggested I "really should be using cloth," I quite possibly would've punched her in the face until she fell down, kicked her until she was unconscious, and perhaps then suffocated her with a Boppy breastfeeding pillow until she was dead. Yes, really. And before someone says, well, that's different, I'm going to go ahead and say, you do not appreciate the crushing stress that chronic, severe poverty can create. And Lady, please don't cite being poor in graduate school because you know everyone's poor in grad school, right? 

Disposable diapers are a modern convenience, one of many. If I were this kind of person, I might ask why you got to use the Laundromat - why weren't you in the creek out back, pounding the little jokers on rocks? That'd be real mothering. There are lots of good things that come with modern parenthood, like cribs your baby won't strangle in and better car seats and carbon monoxide detectors … and diapers that, when they are full of poop, can be folded up and thrown away. 

And, Sister/Lady, we moms and women need to stick together, not turn on one another over something as silly as this. Don't you know that whenever you denigrate one woman "doing it the easy way" and hold up the old-fashioned as the ideal, you're taking us back to when this kind of crap wasn't a choice - it was our duty by virtue of being born XX that we got to spend every waking moment taking care of someone else. 

2. So here's the "But Maybe You Should Be" part:

Lady, you seem to be an absolutely unkind person, and probably not just on this particular subject but on the general subject of what makes someone a good person who deserves to be happy and raise children. At least one other person commented that the solution to not being able to afford diapers is, "maybe don't have children you can't afford." I can't … I can't even really begin to thoroughly address this, I don't know where to start with y'all. There's one idea of, who the hell can afford kids? I mean, really, they are expensive and yes there's the concept of relative poverty and women in lesser-developed countries raise multiple babies and they breastfeed and use cloth diapers because there aren't really any other options for them, but that's not what we're talking about, right? We are talking about judgment and superiority and security/insecurity in the choices you.have.made, not really about the choices any other parent makes. 

Congrats to you, Sister, that you did all this back-breaking work and successfully raised your kid in this particular way. You need to be validated in what you have done, you need to feel it was not just the better choice but obviously the only correct choice, because otherwise … it was all for nothing, right? You coulda gone the easy route with the exact same results, so obviously what you did Has To Matter.  You are obviously A Good Parent.  Congratulations! But you understand that (a) there are approximately 100 million other ways to be a good parent, and (b) even if you are the World's Greatest Mom (you know if you got a coffee mug that said that, it's not real, right? It's not an actual award? :) ), please hear me: that does not make you a better person than someone else. That does not make your life worth more. That does not make God love you any more than Poor Parent with Disposable Diapers X. We are all the same, that's the great thing about living in the United States and/or believing in God, if you do - we are equal in the eyes of the law and God. 

We are all afraid, and a lot of us are afraid all the time. Once you have kids, and you hold a tiny fragile newborn, or an adopted older child with a nightmare history in your arms, it's a long time (if ever) that you feel 100% relaxed again. We make a million decisions about our kids (breastfeeding, immunizations, education, religion and yes, diapering) and ourselves (career, whether to move, how to manage money) and sometimes it turns out horribly and sometimes it turns out awesome and most of the time it's somewhere in between, but really in the end we are just sending the kiddos out into the world every day on a wing and a prayer, hoping like hell they don't get sick or hurt and that they learn how to make good decisions and we do all we can and then realize, shoot, it's not all up to me/them. 

Sometimes the world just does horrible things to you and ultimately, there is sometimes not one single thing you can do about it. Being "a good and responsible parent" is difficult to argue with, but (again) - a - there are lots of different ways to do that and - b -  it is still not a guarantee. God, I wish it were. I wish there were some formula by which you could chose Option A + Option B + Option C and that all equals a kid who is going to complete college and have a career and be a productive American taxpayer, and chances are pretty good that they'll do all that to some measure. But they might not. They might end up with a mental illness or substance abuse problem or do something stupid and go to jail or they might end up getting shot in the face in the first grade a couple of weeks before Christmas - and none of that says anything about anything, other than that "life sucks, sometimes, and terrible things happen." Life is not for the lazy and parenting is not for the helpless. God, what a heartless person you seem to be. 

The reason my Mom was so super-non-judgmental? Something pretty sucky happened to her, when she got pregnant in 1967 at the age of 16. She was treated so poorly and judged so harshly that I think it became sort of her life's work to do the opposite. She was kicked out of high school though she was a straight A student and cheerleader; the father of the baby (my half-brother) was allowed to continue because, well, life in fact is not fair sometimes and though I would contend was as fully responsible as my mom for creating the situation, this was 1967 and he would not be "showing." 

It was only thanks to an understanding school counselor that my mom was allowed to finish high school by correspondence. Her parents eventually kicked her out of the house, they reconciled at some point but in between she was basically all on her own. She eventually worked her way through college and met and married my dad. So she Pulled Herself Up by her Bootstraps, yay! And guess what? Again, she would never hold herself up as some success story, especially if it meant the fact that she ultimately succeeded was used in some way to make some other teen mom (or anyone, for that matter) feel they had to do the same thing. 


My mom and I didn't have many conversations about this experience, but I know the difficulty she encountered was the reason she always immediately called us out for criticizing other people. And I can say with virtually 100% confidence that if you held her and her Pulling Herself Up and her cloth diapers and sewing Halloween costumes and all that up as an example? She would say, "Yes, I did that. But it was so hard, and I was sad and alone and stressed most of the time, and I would've loved some help." She would never use herself as the reason why someone else should be treated, or spoken of, or even thought of, unkindly. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Lady. I'm tired of talking to you. 

I Feel Terrible but at Least I Look Good

I am taking a sick day today, Tuesday April 30th. Yesterday afternoon was half a sick day - the morning was wonderfully productive, house- and writing-wise. Then I was feeling pretty bushed so I tried to nap and never fell asleep but when it was time to go get Simon, I Felt Horrible. Nausea (I would rather break my wrist and have a cast for 6 weeks, than feel nauseated for 15 minutes) increased and increased for about 2 hours (miserable, I tell you, I was miserable) until I finally, uh, you know, but then I still felt bad for most of the evening. Thanks to Matt for taking care of the boys; the nausea finally went away but I still felt generally yucky and was worried I might have the flu or something. This morning is much better but then I hardly slept at all, so today (I hope) will hold some naps.

Ice T is my Co-Pilot [Redemption, Part One]

(Okay, so this is actually the 100th post but it was an honest mistake - 

there were a couple of "drafts" clogging up the count)

[[ Part 1 ]]

Last weekend Matt & I sent the boys to their grandparents' for a night, so we could enjoy a kid-free night. On the way home from the meeting point, we listened to Ed Kilbourne's CD Promised Land; Kilbourne describes himself as a "folk theologian." Matt had purchased the CD just a few days before, after hearing Kilbourne perform at a clergy retreat he attended (not "perform" like a big concert, just to the folks in the room). Some of the songs are kind of ... sentimental (I was going to say "sappy" but Matt as always says it better) ... but others are fairly humorous, poking fun at aging and 'kids do the darndest things' situations. Then there's one song, "Promised Land," that is amazing. I hesitate to use the word "powerful" to describe it because that's so cliched, but I was slightly in tears when it was over.

The first verse of the song describes the life and death (from AIDS) of a young gay man, phrased as a query to God, does God care when gay men and lesbians are beaten and killed and lonely and die horrible deaths from AIDS, in the framework of the strong belief that sexual orientation is inborn, not chosen, and if you're born that way then obviously God makes you that way and does he worry about what he's created? Matt said Ed explained later this verse is about someone he knew, his young daughters' gymnastics instructor.

I Am Not Ashamed but Maybe You Should Be, Part 4

For the original "I Am Not Ashamed" post, click here. For Part 2 and Part 3 ... well, you get it. 

I am breaking my Lenten discipline of not doing any politically-oriented posts, which tend to raise my blood pressure, during this holy period. Shoot.

I recently discovered zazzle.com, a website that's a lot like cafepress.com and I'm sure plenty of other sites, where you can order the same theme in multiple forms. For example, if you want to promote the notion of "Save the Earth" you can get t-shirts, hoodies, coffee mugs, magnets, bumper stickers, etc. I eventually linked to the site from something on Pinterest, and I have ordered a birthday present for David (a cartoon drawing of a stitched-up heart and the motto "Chicks dig scars") and a couple of packs of Down syndrome yellow/blue butterfly stickers to hand out to Simon's class when David and I do our presentation on WDSD. 

I don't blame the site, per se, for also selling these; freedom of speech and everything. But I really wish I had not come across this onesie while looking in the "Kids" section for a possible gift for Simon.

Holy crap. On.a.baby. Nice.

They also had these (and a million more, if you want to see, click here). I did not cancel my order, because (a) I need a cheap, quickly-delivered giveaway for 3/21, and (b) the heart surgery shirt is really freaking cool. But perhaps I will forward this post and the other "I Am Not Ashamed"s to them.

My message about the following images is the same as the other posts: If you know someone (a specific person) who is defrauding the government by having forged identification or other documents to obtain "welfare" benefits, please forward their name and address to your county Department of Social Services or DYFS or whatever it might be in your state. If you wish to change the program guidelines in order to "make""These People""work," I suggest that you write to your state and national congresspeople, who are the ones who would be in a better position to help change everything to exactly the way you feel it should be. And may God have mercy on your soul and bless you always and forever, such that you will never lose a job and run through your savings or lose your health insurance or experience a natural disaster or any of those other things that happen to ... people. And if you pull yourself through all these issues without a dime of government assistance, then God bless you as well. Congratulations on your iron will and work ethic. But please remember that does not do one single thing for you in God's eyes? Remember how Jesus commanded his disciples to take everything they had and give it to the poor, and I have yet to read anywhere in the Gospels that he put a lot of stipulations on which poor people would get it. Remember the admonition to be humble.

And if you are frustrated, that's okay. I get it. I just ask that if you are angry because you feel your hard-earned dollars are being given to people whom you perceive to be able to work to support themselves, the for the love of God, SAY THAT INSTEAD. Thank you. 

This has been an exceptionally frustrating process for me, but I continue to bump up against it (this time while ordering a t-shirt celebrating my son's successful open-heart surgery, mind you), and I can't let it go. I just want folks to ... not be mean. Is that so hard? I personally would rather hang out all day with an auditorium full of "welfare" and "Food Stamp" recipients, convicted criminals, undocumented workers, etc., than spend ten minutes with a mean asshole that finds stuff like this hilarious. 

Oh, the self-satisfaction. Whoever you are, can you please
give me one of your business cards so that each month when I get
"my check" (you know it's not a check anymore, right?)
I can write you a personal letter of appreciation?

Oh wait, I don't get a check. My kids get Medicaid and WIC.
But that's not the point.

(FYI: the terms "welfare" and "Food Stamps" are technically dead.
For many years now, the actual terms are TANF, Temporary Assistance to
Needy Families, and SNAP, Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.
If you're going to hate something at least call it the right thing)

***********************************************

This one has been another big one on facebook.
There is a concept out there which lots of folks do not
seem to be acquainted with, the notion that
"Two things sometimes appear to be the same thing,
but if you take about 2 seconds to look closely
you find out they are not in fact the same thing."
********************************************************************

Again, thanks to you, Almighty American Worker, savior of the world
(oh wait, that was Jesus), let me humbly prostrate myself
before you and give you personalized, individual thanks for all
your efforts on behalf of my children and me. 
*********************************************************************

 This is the most decidedly un-Christian sentiment I have heard in quite some time. Good luck, dude or dudette that considers this amusing; hope you are never alone and scared
 and you know, poor, in a foreign country that does not utilize your language of origin.
My tip would be to be born in America and say a lot of prayers anytime
you step foot outside the country. Otherwise I guess you are screwed. 
*******************************************************

Ah, pregnant adolescents. Aren't you proud of yourself 

for this, distancing yourself from ... children ?  

And as a self-appointed member of the

Punctuation Squad, I'm calling you out

on the "mom's" thing. 

********************************************

If you are also a fan of the WWJD bumper stickers,
 I would suggest pasting one of those over this. ******************************************

You can guess my issue with this one, right?
While the delightful phrase "baby daddy"
has unfortunately become ubiquitous 
across cultures, to me this is pretty
explicitly racist. 
******************************************************************

Ah, compulsory sterilization.
That's always a step forward.
Nice. 

I AM NOT ASHAMED BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE, PART 3

I am in a pretty bad mood today. There was an ... incident ... at church last night that I can't go into detail about here. I will say, someone got really angry at me, took something I said in totally the wrong way and blew it way out of proportion, and stormed off but not before cursing in front of my two children. I was so upset, I cried off and on for about 2 hours. I was feeling better about that this morning, but then I came across this:

Goddamn it.

This was shared by an acquaintance from middle and/or high school, I can't quite remember which. I'm sure she's a nice person, I generally remember her as such. I'm assuming she didn't wake up this morning intending to be so mean, but that's what this is: mean. (continued)


Do you hear me? This is mean and horrible and if this is the way you feel about things you need to do something to change it because clicking "like" on this bullshit on facebook is never going to change anything. It only serves to make you feel better about yourself and whatever it is you think you do that is so great, while denigrating another human being. And if this is not the way you feel you should really take a second before you spread something this awful. It's not just silly or innocent or that I am making too big a deal out of it. It is awful. 


Addition: I am in no way suggesting that you don't have the right to say anything you wish to say. I'm just encouraging folks to think about what you are trying to say, think about what you are actually saying - what you want to accomplish and what you might actually accomplish. I may not accomplish a whole hell of a lot with this post but I hope it could maybe be a conversation starter, along with the other two "I am not Ashamed" posts.

In Vonnegut's God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, the main character Eliot reports he has been asked by a new mother of twins to baptize her babies. When asked what in the world he plans to say and do, Eliot replies, "Go over to her shack, I guess. Sprinkle some water on the babies, say 'Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies - : God damn it, you've got to be kind.'"

Oh, and, these were a few of the other graphics on the fb page of the group this came from:

So yeah, another reasonable, mature, high-class operation. I know, this is like being mad at Ann Coulter for doing exactly what it is that she does (calling Obama a "retard" in a tweet and refusing to apologize after being called out on it). This is what some people choose to do with their lives, and my opinion likely means little or nothing to them. But maybe the folks who don't necessarily agree with them 100% but continue to pass this crap along, could think a little first, the next time?

I am not ashamed but maybe you should be, Part 2

Click here to read the original "I am not ashamed ..." - it's good. 

Preface
I see that lots of folks are coming to this site after Googling the saying on the e-card image. If you were hoping to find the image to re-post it, I would actually like to hear from you, so see if this post has given you anything new to think about. All comments are subject to my approval before publishing; if you'd rather your comment not be published just say so. And, several months have passed since the comment at the end; I promise to be calmer about it :)

You've got so much to say, say what you mean, 
Mean what you think, and think anything.

(Cat Stevens, "Can't Keep It In")

"Stereotypes persist long after 

reality fades away... But let us see the world 

as it is, for the world itself has perfected the 

ability to see what it wishes 

to see and only 

what it wishes to see." 

 Leonard Kreigel

A friend (whom I know to be a great guy and hard-working family man), recently "liked" one of those fake greeting e-cards on Facebook. I've "liked" a number of them myself, but this one hit like a strong punch to the stomach. It said:

I realized this would likely be about the most pointless and frustrating task I've ever undertaken, but I decided to follow up on this.

I semi-confronted my friend via private message. He clarified by saying he is not judging 'people who really need the help' and shared that due to a severe medical condition a family member of his had utilized some service or benefits sometime in the past year, and it is 'people who abuse the system' that frustrate him. More on this later …. 

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

Wow, it takes a lot of, ah, nerve to publish something that racist. Right?

The image had been shared from The 950, a radio show in Houston (don't know what delightful person originated it). For someone who loves NPR so much, I despise nearly every other type of talking on the radio - shut up and play the tunes, folks. I don't think these guys are likely to persuade me otherwise. Other entries on their website and/or Facebook page were a number of "butterface" pictures, showing various women in bikinis from the neck down, saying "You think you might? Don't be too sure …" (if you don't know, this is, "her body is good, but 'er face …) Someone had posted this comment on a photo at some point, 

The original pic came from a repub convention to prove that 

not all right wing tards look like larry the cable guy. (emphasis mine)"  

So these are obviously some sophisticated minds and kind hearts at work. Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. And I don't even know that it's the original thing that bothers me the most, as horrible as that is:

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator.

I also found lots of people who had tweeted this, and pinned it on Pinterest (Pinterest for the love of God, that's where I pin photos of pretty quilts and recipes for crock pot lasagna) and lots of other similar stuff with similarly affirming comments.  

I think it's the reactions and comments by other folks - myriad "likes" and "shares" and comments, that bothers me most.

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

My initial thought was, if you are frustrated by "welfare cheats," well, why not say that? Why not say, "Goodness gracious, I consider myself to be a hard-working American and it really frustrates me when I see people whom I perceive to be capable of working and supporting themselves, who appear to be relying instead on the welfare system." And/or, "Furthermore, I work really hard, my spouse has two jobs, our household budget is stretched to the limit and we are drowning in medical bills, and I don't understand why other people don't have to do the same thing." I know that's not going to fit onto one of those little fake-greeting-card thingies, but if you're really that frustrated then why don't you articulate your opinion into something you could send to, say, a Representative or Senator or whomever, if you'd like it to actually change?

My second thought was, who are the people who are abusing the system? Who do you know? Could you give me their names, and perhaps report them by name to the county Department of Social Services - I can provide the phone number, if you get to work gathering your documents and photographs and whatever other evidence you have gathered, and you can call all the way up to Raleigh and/or Washington DC if you'd like. Because even if there were zero other factors, you are basically accusing someone of a crime, right? Welfare fraud? Are you saying they have faked documents or medical reports or Social Security numbers, or what is it, exactly, that you are saying? Because as long as applicants do not do any of those things, and they follow the guidelines of the program, they aren't doing anything illegal. They don't set the income limits or the time limits or the work requirements. Even the poor tired underpaid social workers don't really set the policies, that comes from the legislature and again, as an American citizen you are free to petition them at any time. 

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

Because it's easy, right? It's way easier to "like" something on Facebook or put a bumper sticker on your car, easier to pass along thoughtlessness and never change anything? It's easier to feel more secure in who you are and what you do, than it is to actually do something for the common good, whatever it is you consider that to be. It's easier to laugh at a group of people who are generally completely powerless, with no money and no voice and little education, because it takes … a few minutes? Paper to print something on? Time to look up the name and address of your Representative or Senator?

(Please don't think I don't know what it's like to be too busy to really participate in the process. I've worked many a 60+ hour work week myself, commuting a long way each way, coordinating with daycare pickup and soccer practice and sick days and snow days and church and everything else on Earth. If you don't have time, then you don't have time, don't take the easy way out by clicking and spreading something mean. You know?)

(stock photo)

(stock photo)

Really, really dig deep down and come up with some names and specific offenses, particularly those of you who are complaining about "ghetto families" and have never been anywhere near an actual urban ghetto. That's what you mean, right? Black people? Lazy black people in a ghetto? Come on, you know that's what you mean, as long as you are brave enough to spew this meanness let's at least put it on the table exactly what you are talking about.

I have just had it with all this stupidity and meanness. Talk about being fed up with laziness, I am fed up with lazy stereotypes and stupid mean little phrases and the people who use them. I am fed up with stupid mean stuff on Facebook and twitter and bumper stickers and church signs and wherever else it occurs. Poke fun at yourself and your own faults and shortcomings, that stuff is funny. Stop joking at the expense of other people. Stop criticizing a whole group of folks that you don't even know.

After reading this I went back to all the e-cards I've liked and checked to make sure none of them were anything like this. I was relieved to find heavy sarcasm but only self-deprecating humor about drinking, poor parenting skills, and my own neuroses and other mental health needs. That's maybe not the greatest in terms of personal maturity, but at least I'm only poking fun at myself. 

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

My first point: Stop being so damned mean. Just go about your business and kill yourself to earn a paycheck and either keep your mouth shut about what bothers you, or take some actual action to get things to change. 

My second point: You know anger is never really anger for its own sake, right? It is always secondary to something else - fear, uncertainty, grief and loss, sadness. And the fear is usually related  to feeling a loss of control, a loss of ability to ultimately determine your destiny, a loss of the illusion that as long as you do "everything you are supposed to do" and work hard and whatnot, you will never turn into one of Those People. Those People are different from you because you follow all the rules, you are hardworking and independent, and well, nothing like a sudden illness or the onset of a mental illness or a hurricane or workplace restructuring or any other really bad thing is going to happen to you, and even if it does you'll pull yourself up by your bootstraps or whatever it is you think will happen, and you will never be one of Those People. Those needy fragile dependent People - that's not you. You will always always always be in control of every single thing that happens in your life.

This is a passage from the book of James, Chapter 4: 13. I shared this in the first "I am not ashamed" post and feel it's still relevant to this discussion: "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a town and spend a year there, doing business and making money.” Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wishes, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin."

The following discussion is from slate.com, a commentary/critique on the book Far From the Tree, which was highly recommended to me by several people. The guy (Andrew Solomon, author of FFTT)  seems to be a kind of ... jerk. 

He seems to think most parents of children with serious disabilities are in some state of permanent denial, magnifying every little thing their kids learn like is legitimately a huge deal and there's no way parenting such kids could be anything but a nightmare:

"Am I 'cheerily generalizing' as Solomon says of other Down syndrome parents, 'from a few accomplishments' of my child? Perhaps I am. But one thing I’ve learned these last four years that possibly Solomon has not: All of our accomplishments are few. All of our accomplishments are minor: my scribblings, his book, the best lines of the best living poets. We embroider away at our tiny tatters of insight as though the world hung on them, when it is chiefly we ourselves who hang on them. Often a dog or cat with none of our advanced skills can offer more comfort to our neighbor than we can. (Think: Would you rather live with Shakespeare or a cute puppy?) Each of us has the ability to give only a little bit of joy to those around us. I would wager Eurydice [her daughter] gives as much as any person alive. Cristina Nehring Please click here to read the entire critique. 

There is also a link to read more about the book. 

And if you've had one of those really bad things happen and you've gotten through it without accessing government assistance? GOOD FOR YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. But you know that doesn't actually make you a more valuable human being, right? You know God loves us all the same, right?

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

My third point: The total amount of cash assistance (TANF) given to "welfare" recipients in the U.S. - all of Those People put together - is but a tiny fraction of the national budget. Tiny. And the amount of cash assistance per family is really not much. And honestly, if someone is wielding all the power they have to "put one over" on their county caseworker, then ... I feel sorry for them, let them have it. I agree that it likely feels better to be a "productive" citizen and paying your own way, but for this tiny amount of money, I just can't get worked up about it. For this tiny amount of money, I can't be this mean to someone I don't know. Or even someone I know. Or anyone. 

My fourth point: I have included a photo of something I came across recently in all my home-organization efforts - the ton of political buttons I used to wear on my backpack. There are also lots of feminist, gay rights, general-liberal-issue tee shirts from the same time period, the last couple of years of high school, college and grad school. Oh, and my car was covered in bumper stickers during that same period. I feel kind of silly about this excess now, but hey that's who I was at the time. My specific point here is, I did that stuff until I was about 22, then I sort of grew up and realized that if I want folks to come around to my way of thinking, insulting them by dismissing their point of view or experience as silly and something to be laughed at, is really not the way to do it. Hurling racist insults at people is never going to do one single thing to change anything to the way you want it, it's just going to make you feel better and someone else feel worse. Congratulations. 

A good thing that came from this is that I discovered two great blogs to follow: 

Click here to visit finding magnolia; this particular post covers the e-card issue above, but it's also the story of this family's international adoption experience. 

Click here to visit flower patch farm girl for a lovely, peaceful discussion about the effects of poverty. 

This has been weighing me down ever since my friend posted this e-card on Facebook; I hope it leads folks to think think think think before they say something like this, and to consider, just for a second, before you click on "like" on something this destructive and pointless. 

May everything work to the glory of God,
Amen. 

Part 4, of 4

Some other thoughts about the “people on welfare” discussion:

1.  I’ve written mostly about the unkind remarks people make, and the criticism that some folks offer about the ways in which people who receive governmental assistance choose to spend their money and live their lives. Some folks would assert that when you pay your own way, you can spend as you choose, but when you depend on someone else, you rightly open yourself up to closer scrutiny – people have the right to examine, question, and criticize/ridicule the ways in which you spend your allotment. I’m not sure I agree with that basic tenet (again, just think about how you would feel, if it were you), but let’s say you’re right. There’s (a) questioning things in your head, and there’s (b) saying things out loud – unfortunately for a lot of people (certainly not limited to this issue), there’s not a lot of difference between the two. It’s the “saying out loud” part that I’d ask folks to reconsider first, and we can deal with the rest later.

I asked in my first post on this matter, before you actually/out-loud criticize someone’s life and choices, that you take a moment to consider carefully what you are about to say, and your goal in saying it. If you believe in your heart that everyone “on welfare” should “get off it,” then are snide, unkind and just plain mean comments, within the hearing of the person you are talking about, really the best way to go? If this is something you are passionate about, then take your passion and park it in front of the NC House of Representatives or US Congress, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. As both a mental health specialist and a, you know, person, I promise you that shaming and disapproving looks by strangers are generally not the way to inspire anyone to do anything differently.

Humility

(just a couple near the end)

I’ve wanted to share this for awhile, not necessarily related to all my other posts of late, but a reminder that we don’t really know what’s going on for folks until we ask them.

I had a client (social work) a good while back, a single mom with one teenage son. We’d worked together for several months to line up some services for him, she did a lot of the work and phone calls, and we (my agency) were ready to close her case. This happened on my last scheduled home visit.

We chatted for a while and then I pulled out some required paperwork, this evidence-based risk assessment we’d begun using. One of the questions was about a history of childhood sexual abuse of the parent(s). Based on my knowledge of the mom’s general history, I had already guessed the answer to that question was yes, but she hadn’t brought it up. During this home visit I asked the question. She hesitated and answered “yes,” and then this entire story spilled out, years of humiliation and abuse at the hands of her brother and a m ale cousin who lived with them. She said she’d told her mother several times, and (for whatever reason) the mother did not intervene.