Part 4, of 4

Some other thoughts about the “people on welfare” discussion:

1.  I’ve written mostly about the unkind remarks people make, and the criticism that some folks offer about the ways in which people who receive governmental assistance choose to spend their money and live their lives. Some folks would assert that when you pay your own way, you can spend as you choose, but when you depend on someone else, you rightly open yourself up to closer scrutiny – people have the right to examine, question, and criticize/ridicule the ways in which you spend your allotment. I’m not sure I agree with that basic tenet (again, just think about how you would feel, if it were you), but let’s say you’re right. There’s (a) questioning things in your head, and there’s (b) saying things out loud – unfortunately for a lot of people (certainly not limited to this issue), there’s not a lot of difference between the two. It’s the “saying out loud” part that I’d ask folks to reconsider first, and we can deal with the rest later.

I asked in my first post on this matter, before you actually/out-loud criticize someone’s life and choices, that you take a moment to consider carefully what you are about to say, and your goal in saying it. If you believe in your heart that everyone “on welfare” should “get off it,” then are snide, unkind and just plain mean comments, within the hearing of the person you are talking about, really the best way to go? If this is something you are passionate about, then take your passion and park it in front of the NC House of Representatives or US Congress, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. As both a mental health specialist and a, you know, person, I promise you that shaming and disapproving looks by strangers are generally not the way to inspire anyone to do anything differently.

For instance, if I were not a news watcher and you showed me the video of Mitt Romney talking about the 47%, and you explained how wealthy and powerful and educated he is, and how the folks he was talking to all paid $50,000 for the privilege of listening to him, my first response would be to laugh, long and loud. My second response would be, “What? Who is this [expletive]? Who the [expletive] are these people? They paid how much to go to this dinner?” My third response would be, “This man knows absolutely nothing about me. Why is he talking about me? Why is he saying I think I’m a victim and I don’t take responsibility for my life? How could he know that?” My fourth response would involve a lot more profanity and telling Mitt Romney exactly where he could go.

I’ve thought a lot about the shaming aspect of it all. For me, I think the only person who could really make me feel ashamed of something I did would be my husband, Matt. On something like this, he’s really the only person I feel accountable to. I mean, if I robbed a liquor store and killed the cashier, I would feel much more ashamed to a lot more people – my family, my church family, the victim’s family, God – but again, some politician in a suit, talking somewhere far away about what should be done with me, wouldn’t really move me to do anything in particular.

Oh, but wait, I haven’t robbed a liquor store and killed someone, have I? I accepted a little help with medical bills and groceries, right? I mean, last time I checked I had not done anything terrible, or against the law, I just accepted a little help. … but that’s how it comes across sometimes – people who “live off the system” are viewed with such disdain, repugnance, and revulsion that it is as if we are a sub-species of human beings.

2. (Commercial break for the brain). Once when this general subject came up before, a facebook friend posted a comment about (something, honestly I can’t even remember, I think it was about the Supreme Court and the Affordable Care Act), and one of the responses posted was by a woman who is “sick of [Those People] getting everything for free,” even “going to the doctor for free.” Well dang it, lady I’ve never met, I’ll certainly keep your opinion in mind the next time my medically fragile two-year-old is screaming his head off at the doctor, to apologize (and at the same time be grateful) to you personally, that we are getting this for free.

We’re not going to Disneyworld for free, sister, we’re getting medical care for our kids.

3. On that note, here’s a bold proclamation: I understand the general idea that everyone should work and pay their own way, and I even agree with it on a very basic level. I personally believe that most people do feel better when they are “standing on their own two feet,” that there is an important psychological advantage to “getting off welfare” and living independently. I would love for every single “welfare” recipient in the United States to be able to look back some day and say, “I’m sure glad that was there when I needed it, but I don’t need it anymore.” I am totally in favor of education and job training programs to “move people off welfare.” I would much rather work with a family to increase their “informal supports” by family and friends, than have them on my caseload forever.

It is just now occurring to me, though, that in my social work career I have actually spent very little time urging the recipients of assistance to “get back to work.” That’s because in the jobs I’ve had, the reason I am even working with the client in the first place is because there’s an immediate crisis – they’ve been admitted to a psychiatric hospital, they are pregnant and having complications, their children have been removed from their custody, they are lost in a nightmare of drug and/or alcohol addiction. In terms of priorities, finding full-time employment so their kids don’t have to rely on Medicaid any more, is just not at the top of the list. That’s not justifying a lifetime of “living off the system,” if you are someone to whom that needs to be justified, but it does offer a little extra nugget of things to consider, I would humbly submit for your approval.

And I think I even understand the frustration that some folks have, that they “work hard” and they have all the exact same things happen to them (family crises, mental health problems, drug & alcohol issues) and they muddle through those issues on their own, struggling to keep their jobs in the current economy and still take care of their families, all while “Those People” are “sitting around collecting a check.”

The quotation marks are around the words “work hard” not because I doubt anyone who says they work hard. It’s just that I’d like to change the way we think about that phrase, and about work in general. I worked hard for a long time as a social worker, and I will again, when David is a little older. But I am also working hard now, taking care of David all day, coordinating all his medical appointments and therapies, making sure we’re following all the recommendations for stimulating and encouraging him.

Go ahead, Person X, come on out here and follow me around for a day and tell me what I’m doing isn’t work. Come on, please? Please say that to my face. I’m dying for you to.

And if the main point of this discussion is the importance of everyone working, well … there are lots of people out there who don’t work, right? Someone else is paying their way, right? A spouse or an inheritance or a trust fund – if everybody should work then everybody should work, right?

4. Mitt Romney, I do not view myself as a victim of society. I don’t view my younger son as a victim of Down syndrome, and I don’t even view myself and my two little former fetuses as a victim of miscarriage. These things are difficult and (in terms of the miscarriage) not fair (unfair to them, not to me), but they are things that happen and I am a big fan of just dealing with it and doing what you need to do.

(I say again) I realize how fortunate we are. My husband and I both have graduate degrees and he earns a good salary. When David is older and we’re ready to put him in daycare full-time, I should be able to find a good job. We rent a nice home we love and both our cars generally start up in the morning and get us where we need to go. We have heat and lights and our children will be fed and our bills will be paid, assistance or no. I was glad over the summer that once I first had problems with the pregnancy, my husband’s job allowed him the flexibility to be with me for each doctor’s visit, and our relatives and friends stepped in to care for the boys, so we didn’t have to worry as much about them. I know lots of women have pregnancy losses, and they don’t have the time to take off work or the family support to help them. Lots of women do not have a stable, loving “father of the baby,” and they have to suffer (it is suffering, physical and emotional) alone and do their best to keep going. So no, I’m not a victim. Life sucks sometimes and if you have the right resources in place, you get through it and continue to move forward. But if you don’t have those resources sometimes it can take a little longer.