I am not ashamed but maybe you should be, Part 2

Click here to read the original "I am not ashamed ..." - it's good. 

Preface
I see that lots of folks are coming to this site after Googling the saying on the e-card image. If you were hoping to find the image to re-post it, I would actually like to hear from you, so see if this post has given you anything new to think about. All comments are subject to my approval before publishing; if you'd rather your comment not be published just say so. And, several months have passed since the comment at the end; I promise to be calmer about it :)

You've got so much to say, say what you mean, 
Mean what you think, and think anything.

(Cat Stevens, "Can't Keep It In")

"Stereotypes persist long after 

reality fades away... But let us see the world 

as it is, for the world itself has perfected the 

ability to see what it wishes 

to see and only 

what it wishes to see." 

 Leonard Kreigel

A friend (whom I know to be a great guy and hard-working family man), recently "liked" one of those fake greeting e-cards on Facebook. I've "liked" a number of them myself, but this one hit like a strong punch to the stomach. It said:

I realized this would likely be about the most pointless and frustrating task I've ever undertaken, but I decided to follow up on this.

I semi-confronted my friend via private message. He clarified by saying he is not judging 'people who really need the help' and shared that due to a severe medical condition a family member of his had utilized some service or benefits sometime in the past year, and it is 'people who abuse the system' that frustrate him. More on this later …. 

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

Wow, it takes a lot of, ah, nerve to publish something that racist. Right?

The image had been shared from The 950, a radio show in Houston (don't know what delightful person originated it). For someone who loves NPR so much, I despise nearly every other type of talking on the radio - shut up and play the tunes, folks. I don't think these guys are likely to persuade me otherwise. Other entries on their website and/or Facebook page were a number of "butterface" pictures, showing various women in bikinis from the neck down, saying "You think you might? Don't be too sure …" (if you don't know, this is, "her body is good, but 'er face …) Someone had posted this comment on a photo at some point, 

The original pic came from a repub convention to prove that 

not all right wing tards look like larry the cable guy. (emphasis mine)"  

So these are obviously some sophisticated minds and kind hearts at work. Sweet jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. And I don't even know that it's the original thing that bothers me the most, as horrible as that is:

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator.

I also found lots of people who had tweeted this, and pinned it on Pinterest (Pinterest for the love of God, that's where I pin photos of pretty quilts and recipes for crock pot lasagna) and lots of other similar stuff with similarly affirming comments.  

I think it's the reactions and comments by other folks - myriad "likes" and "shares" and comments, that bothers me most.

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

My initial thought was, if you are frustrated by "welfare cheats," well, why not say that? Why not say, "Goodness gracious, I consider myself to be a hard-working American and it really frustrates me when I see people whom I perceive to be capable of working and supporting themselves, who appear to be relying instead on the welfare system." And/or, "Furthermore, I work really hard, my spouse has two jobs, our household budget is stretched to the limit and we are drowning in medical bills, and I don't understand why other people don't have to do the same thing." I know that's not going to fit onto one of those little fake-greeting-card thingies, but if you're really that frustrated then why don't you articulate your opinion into something you could send to, say, a Representative or Senator or whomever, if you'd like it to actually change?

My second thought was, who are the people who are abusing the system? Who do you know? Could you give me their names, and perhaps report them by name to the county Department of Social Services - I can provide the phone number, if you get to work gathering your documents and photographs and whatever other evidence you have gathered, and you can call all the way up to Raleigh and/or Washington DC if you'd like. Because even if there were zero other factors, you are basically accusing someone of a crime, right? Welfare fraud? Are you saying they have faked documents or medical reports or Social Security numbers, or what is it, exactly, that you are saying? Because as long as applicants do not do any of those things, and they follow the guidelines of the program, they aren't doing anything illegal. They don't set the income limits or the time limits or the work requirements. Even the poor tired underpaid social workers don't really set the policies, that comes from the legislature and again, as an American citizen you are free to petition them at any time. 

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

Because it's easy, right? It's way easier to "like" something on Facebook or put a bumper sticker on your car, easier to pass along thoughtlessness and never change anything? It's easier to feel more secure in who you are and what you do, than it is to actually do something for the common good, whatever it is you consider that to be. It's easier to laugh at a group of people who are generally completely powerless, with no money and no voice and little education, because it takes … a few minutes? Paper to print something on? Time to look up the name and address of your Representative or Senator?

(Please don't think I don't know what it's like to be too busy to really participate in the process. I've worked many a 60+ hour work week myself, commuting a long way each way, coordinating with daycare pickup and soccer practice and sick days and snow days and church and everything else on Earth. If you don't have time, then you don't have time, don't take the easy way out by clicking and spreading something mean. You know?)

(stock photo)

(stock photo)

Really, really dig deep down and come up with some names and specific offenses, particularly those of you who are complaining about "ghetto families" and have never been anywhere near an actual urban ghetto. That's what you mean, right? Black people? Lazy black people in a ghetto? Come on, you know that's what you mean, as long as you are brave enough to spew this meanness let's at least put it on the table exactly what you are talking about.

I have just had it with all this stupidity and meanness. Talk about being fed up with laziness, I am fed up with lazy stereotypes and stupid mean little phrases and the people who use them. I am fed up with stupid mean stuff on Facebook and twitter and bumper stickers and church signs and wherever else it occurs. Poke fun at yourself and your own faults and shortcomings, that stuff is funny. Stop joking at the expense of other people. Stop criticizing a whole group of folks that you don't even know.

After reading this I went back to all the e-cards I've liked and checked to make sure none of them were anything like this. I was relieved to find heavy sarcasm but only self-deprecating humor about drinking, poor parenting skills, and my own neuroses and other mental health needs. That's maybe not the greatest in terms of personal maturity, but at least I'm only poking fun at myself. 

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

My first point: Stop being so damned mean. Just go about your business and kill yourself to earn a paycheck and either keep your mouth shut about what bothers you, or take some actual action to get things to change. 

My second point: You know anger is never really anger for its own sake, right? It is always secondary to something else - fear, uncertainty, grief and loss, sadness. And the fear is usually related  to feeling a loss of control, a loss of ability to ultimately determine your destiny, a loss of the illusion that as long as you do "everything you are supposed to do" and work hard and whatnot, you will never turn into one of Those People. Those People are different from you because you follow all the rules, you are hardworking and independent, and well, nothing like a sudden illness or the onset of a mental illness or a hurricane or workplace restructuring or any other really bad thing is going to happen to you, and even if it does you'll pull yourself up by your bootstraps or whatever it is you think will happen, and you will never be one of Those People. Those needy fragile dependent People - that's not you. You will always always always be in control of every single thing that happens in your life.

This is a passage from the book of James, Chapter 4: 13. I shared this in the first "I am not ashamed" post and feel it's still relevant to this discussion: "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a town and spend a year there, doing business and making money.” Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wishes, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin."

The following discussion is from slate.com, a commentary/critique on the book Far From the Tree, which was highly recommended to me by several people. The guy (Andrew Solomon, author of FFTT)  seems to be a kind of ... jerk. 

He seems to think most parents of children with serious disabilities are in some state of permanent denial, magnifying every little thing their kids learn like is legitimately a huge deal and there's no way parenting such kids could be anything but a nightmare:

"Am I 'cheerily generalizing' as Solomon says of other Down syndrome parents, 'from a few accomplishments' of my child? Perhaps I am. But one thing I’ve learned these last four years that possibly Solomon has not: All of our accomplishments are few. All of our accomplishments are minor: my scribblings, his book, the best lines of the best living poets. We embroider away at our tiny tatters of insight as though the world hung on them, when it is chiefly we ourselves who hang on them. Often a dog or cat with none of our advanced skills can offer more comfort to our neighbor than we can. (Think: Would you rather live with Shakespeare or a cute puppy?) Each of us has the ability to give only a little bit of joy to those around us. I would wager Eurydice [her daughter] gives as much as any person alive. Cristina Nehring Please click here to read the entire critique. 

There is also a link to read more about the book. 

And if you've had one of those really bad things happen and you've gotten through it without accessing government assistance? GOOD FOR YOU. GOD BLESS YOU. But you know that doesn't actually make you a more valuable human being, right? You know God loves us all the same, right?

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck, the least they can do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting to hang on my refrigerator. 

My third point: The total amount of cash assistance (TANF) given to "welfare" recipients in the U.S. - all of Those People put together - is but a tiny fraction of the national budget. Tiny. And the amount of cash assistance per family is really not much. And honestly, if someone is wielding all the power they have to "put one over" on their county caseworker, then ... I feel sorry for them, let them have it. I agree that it likely feels better to be a "productive" citizen and paying your own way, but for this tiny amount of money, I just can't get worked up about it. For this tiny amount of money, I can't be this mean to someone I don't know. Or even someone I know. Or anyone. 

My fourth point: I have included a photo of something I came across recently in all my home-organization efforts - the ton of political buttons I used to wear on my backpack. There are also lots of feminist, gay rights, general-liberal-issue tee shirts from the same time period, the last couple of years of high school, college and grad school. Oh, and my car was covered in bumper stickers during that same period. I feel kind of silly about this excess now, but hey that's who I was at the time. My specific point here is, I did that stuff until I was about 22, then I sort of grew up and realized that if I want folks to come around to my way of thinking, insulting them by dismissing their point of view or experience as silly and something to be laughed at, is really not the way to do it. Hurling racist insults at people is never going to do one single thing to change anything to the way you want it, it's just going to make you feel better and someone else feel worse. Congratulations. 

A good thing that came from this is that I discovered two great blogs to follow: 

Click here to visit finding magnolia; this particular post covers the e-card issue above, but it's also the story of this family's international adoption experience. 

Click here to visit flower patch farm girl for a lovely, peaceful discussion about the effects of poverty. 

This has been weighing me down ever since my friend posted this e-card on Facebook; I hope it leads folks to think think think think before they say something like this, and to consider, just for a second, before you click on "like" on something this destructive and pointless. 

May everything work to the glory of God,
Amen.