Joanna's Internal Dialogue About Taking Responsibility

An apt sub-title would be, "coffeecoffeecoffeecoffee” because I have taken in a tremendous amount of coffee today, and I may be a little jittery and unfocused. I’ve been thinking a lot about coffee as an example of what I’ve been talking about, drawing conclusions about people who receive government assistance with knowing (or asking) what they might actually be like, or what they think is important.

In the event that the caffeine has addled my brain even more than I think it has, these are my main points: (1) Neither we, nor anyone else, manages every penny of their income and benefits to their utmost advantage. But we do think and worry and plan, and try to do our best (2) This felt humorous as I was experiencing it and I was writing it. I hope that comes through in my little random stream-of-consciousness. It's not angry, until the end. (3) I discuss my pregnancy loss again near the end and the tie-in (which may not be immediately evident, I admit) is that listening to this debate play out in the Presidential campaign (and overhearing various conversations) does cause some additional stress during what is already a not-great time.

I've written this over the course of several days, so the "today" and "yesterday" are not quite right in all instances. Here we go:

My Delightful David

A big thank-you to everyone out there who has been reading this blog the last few days. The response to “I Am Not Ashamed” is overwhelmingly positive, and somewhat humbling – I guess a lot of people are continuing to re-post on facebook because I have continued to get four or five (or more) times as many page hits as usual. That’s great. Please feel free to look around the site a bit – some entries are more polished, on-target and succinct than others, but I think most of them are pretty good, especially the Pages (the list of titles is to your right). The main target audience of this site is our family and other parents of young children, but I will modestly assert that other folks would enjoy it. If anyone, but especially the parents of a child with special needs, finds something here that is helpful and encouraging, then I have succeeded.

Quick departure from the topic at hand, to make a David Update. He saw his pediatric endocrinologist on Tuesday, for a 6-month follow-up. David has very mild hypothyroidism, which is easily controlled with medication once per day. The office visit was short, but the doctor really engaged with David and he showed off his new walking skills for her. Since his disastrous cardiology appointment in March (see “Mr. Uncooperative”) we have been practicing with Simon’s toy doctor kit, especially listening to his heart with the stethoscope. This practice has paid off – as soon as he sat in the doc’s lap he reached for her stethoscope and began to stick it down the front of his shirt. Hooray!

Continued Discussion

A few things to add to my previous post:

Can you say, “fortuitous timing?” This whole Romney/47% thing offers a great opportunity to continue this discussion. I need a bit of time to digest it all before I feel prepared to comment specifically about that.

I’m really don’t want this site to turn into some huge awful political argument about re-distribution of wealth or class warfare. My chief goal is to encourage a more civil, gentle dialogue, in which folks do not automatically demean and dismiss a good-size group of people. This is not about political correctness, it is about kindness.

Here’s something – Matt and I do not consider our family to be poor or disadvantaged. We are fortunate in many ways, including financially. We’ve scaled back on everything since I “stopped working,” and are very careful about everything, but still our savings have dwindled and although we are still “making it,” our resources have declined significantly. We will likely not qualify next year when we would be required to re-certify (complicated reasons), and that’ll be fine. Our children will eat and our medical bills will be paid, albeit slowly.

I suppose I am trying to show you that you may (or probably) know someone who does or has received some type of assistance, because lots of folks struggle at some point in their lives, but I can’t seem to stop myself from defending us and our choice to avail ourselves of these benefits.

And in my attempt to show you that we realize how fortunate we are, and that compared to the problems other families face we are even more fortunate, I hope I don’t seem to be distancing myself from those other families too much. Because that would be the exact opposite point from the one I am trying to make.

(1) Assuming that the terms “welfare queen” and “welfare cheat” could be loosely defined as someone who “could work but chooses not to,” those people exist, I guess. It would be naïve of me to say that no one takes advantage of “the system,” because/but people do that to every system ever created, right? Crooked government contractors screw the government out of plenty of money, people coast through the last few years of their job – working as little as possible until the retirement checks start coming, other people in all types of job settings get promoted to positions and salaries they “don’t deserve” because of family connections and office politics. Wherever something is established, there are going to be folks who try to get around those requirements.

(2) I have used a lot of quotation marks in both entries, and they usually indicate my belief that when a lot of folks use these phrases with certainty and conviction, they don’t really know what they mean, or at least couldn’t subject their definition to scientific scrutiny. Again, I’m betting that a lot of people who generously hand out criticism on this issue, do not really know anyone who fits the ultimate stereotype – a young (non-Caucasian) woman who “could work (there I go again)," but “chooses” instead to continue having children she “knows she can’t afford.”

How do you know all this, exactly? How do you know that TANF/Food Stamp recipient X really can work but chooses not to? How on Earth can you know, with confidence, the childbearing intentions of someone you have never met? I am a social worker, for heaven’s sake, and I have talked to hundreds of people who receive government assistance of some sort or another, and I can honestly say that I don’t believe there are hordes of Those People out there – that if you took the time to actually engage in dialogue with folks, you would likely end up admiring their resilience, creativity, intelligence and wit. 

Or maybe you wouldn’t. But I often do.

Oh, and, I am not naïve. I just look at things differently.

And if your main worry is that Those People don’t manage their money effectively, do not take “full responsibility” for their lives, and aren’t living up to their human potential – you see where I’m going with this, right? How many of us have fit in one or all of those categories, sometimes for significant periods of time, over the span of our lifetimes?

(3) Who decides who the “deserving poor” are? I’m not quite sure what some people have in mind, but it seems to be that you should be working 60 – 80 hours a week, you have to have made lots of responsible decisions in your life but you’re just not making all your bills right now, and that your family is on the verge of Depression-era misfortune and hardship, before you get anything. It’s an interesting question, and obviously someone has to make a decision at some point, about what the income guidelines are and how much assistance will be provided.  Again, my point here is not so much arguing about the existence of government programs, but urging people to be more considerate and kind in their discussions.

(4) Even if you are not one of the “deserving poor,” even if you “probably could work but aren’t,” again, is criticizing and shaming and denigrating you really the best way to get you to work? That might ultimately be better for the bottom line, but I am pretty sure it is not one of those things Jesus would do. 

I am not ashamed but maybe you should be

I am striving for generosity, because that’s what I’m asking for; I am going to quietly make the following request, which consists of the “request” and the “because.” The request is, the next time you are listening to politicians yammer on about people “on welfare,” or you see some young mother struggling to control her young children at the grocery store when there are problems with her WIC voucher or her Food Stamp/EBT card, please cut her some slack and don’t rush to judge/condemn. Because, it is right to be humble and generous as often as possible; it is the right thing to do. And because for the past 3 or 4 months, this group has included Yours Truly and her two small children. (Keep reading, please)

Quick Primer On How This Actually Works

I’ve written before about my recent miscarriage; it was an awful time for Matt and me but we are currently doing okay. In May, when I was still pregnant, I visited our county Department of Social Services to sign up for a program called Medicaid for Pregnant Women. David automatically qualified for “regular” Medicaid while he was in the NICU based solely on his medical condition, but after he was discharged it converted to income-based and as I was still working, we did not qualify. A number of medical and social service providers have encouraged me to re-apply several times since then and we previously had been just a smidgen over the income limits, but this time we got it. The two boys and I still have our private Blue Cross Blue Shield policy, $444/month, and we met our yearly deductible ($5450) long ago. The only reason I even applied was that I do not have a specific “maternity rider” on our policy, and in the event that some incredibly pregnancy-related care were not covered, the Medicaid would help. The Medicaid lady encouraged me to sign up for WIC (supplemental nutrition for Women, Infants and Children) for David and me (it only goes up to age 5 so Simon was too old). Between those two appointments my pregnancy ended but I kept the WIC appointment anyway for David. When I explained about the miscarriage the WIC lady encouraged me to apply for myself too, as a post-partum woman I could receive benefits for six months. So I did, and we got that too.

 I am familiar with MPW because I used to work as a case manager at the Mecklenburg County Health Department. They (the wiser people who are involved in making these types of decisions) really want pregnant women to be able to go to t he doctor, and want women and new babies to eat as healthfully as possible; the “ounce of prevention” idea. And studies do show that women who go to the doctor more frequently while they are pregnant, have better birth outcomes – dangerous and even life-threatening conditions like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia can be caught and monitored, and other family/social conditions that put the mom and baby at risk can be identified and addressed.

Thus far for our little family, Medicaid has paid $0 for me (everything ended up being covered by BCBS) and $0 for Simon, and it has covered a few of David’s Early Intervention services (speech, occupational, physical therapy) by providers and for services that aren’t covered by BCBS. When we hit the new calendar year, it will help substantially with our deductible, at least for the boys. WIC helps with about $80 a month in groceries – David and I get about 7 gallons of milk, a few dozen eggs, bread and peanut butter, juice and cereal. The vouchers are very specific, each one lists exactly what you can get. We also get a total of $16/month ($10 for me, $6 for David) to use for produce, and you can choose pretty much any fruit or veggie with those.

Boom, boom, boom, in theory that’s all I think needs to be said – there is a program out there, we qualify and it will help us some, Matt and I are still largely responsible for expenses, and so we took it. No value judgments attached, by the people who actually work in the programs and are familiar with all the other clients who receive the services. No value judgments by me, as our deductible and our premiums are pretty flipping high and I will take some help to meet them, and (honestly) for the love of God I miscarried a twin pregnancy, I think the least I should get out of it is some free eggs and peanut butter for six months?? … But you see that last blue paragraph, right? That is me justifying and defending what I rationally know is my own private family business, that should not require any explanation to anyone. Because there is judgment, there is criticism and condemnation for people who “live off the government.” And I feel it – no one has ever said anything to me, but I feel self-conscious in the grocery store, making sure that when I use my WIC vouchers that everything else in my shopping cart is healthy and cheap, since I am spending “the taxpayers’ dollars.” I want to make a disclaimer each time, shouting, “Hey, we don’t get any cash assistance – it’s just a little help – my baby has Down syndrome [which has nothing to do with it] – it’s just temporary!”

My request, before you criticize someone who “relies on the government,” is that you take a moment to think about what you are preparing to say, and what your goal is in saying it. If your goal is to actually inspire someone to achieve the education, employment and overall financial circumstances such that they won’t need this help any more, I’m not sure that pointing fingers and implying they are lazy sluts is the way to go. In fact I’m pretty sure that preaching and moralizing to someone you don’t know is probably one of the least effective tools for behavior change.

And if your intent is not to inspire, then what might it be? To feel more secure in your own life status by demeaning someone else?  Just remember how little respect Jesus had for wealthy and powerful people, how much he helped anyone who came to him, and how little he owned. It’s really easy to criticize a group of people who have very little power or voice. When you are secure in your education, housing, financial obligations and health care it can be easy to forget what it is like to have little to none of any of these things.

Blessed are the disenfranchised, for every good thing they have been denied in this life, they shall receive in the next.

The sanctimoniousness (whew, long word) with which poor people are criticized sometimes short-circuits my brain and makes me forget eloquence in favor of a lot of profanity.  There’s plenty of superiority and minding other people’s business when it comes to government assistance (which is mostly for children) and looking in their shopping carts, thinking or even saying, “Oh my God is she really buying those cupcakes with ‘my’ money? Why is she buying Froot Loops instead of the generic Fruit Rings? Why is she getting those frozen pizzas?” (That last one has an easy answer, I am buying them for the exact same reason you are, brother/sister – they are on sale and sometimes I am too freaking tired to cook). (I have thought a lot about what it means to be “really” poor and what “real” hardship is like, relative vs. absolute poverty, that’s too much for one post but my concern here is, I just don’t see a clear end-point to this line of thinking).

And you know we all pay sales tax, taxes on cigarettes and gasoline and alcohol, income taxes? Matt and I certainly do and certainly have. And as my dad is always reminding me, even if you get every cent of your taxes back as a refund, you have effectively lent your money to the government, interest-free.

I can sort of imagine some of the readers who actually know me saying, oh, but Joanna doesn’t count. She’s educated and married and she “used to work” but now she stays home with her baby who has Down syndrome, and they only get a little bit of help for a little while, so it’s not the same. She is not the same as Those People. You know, Those People, none of whom I know personally, but the ones I hear about from my niece’s co-worker’s daughter. Those illegal immigrants who come to America just to have a baby so they can get a check, those young black women who continue to squeeze out babies so they can get a bigger check, and then give their babies those funny names. I don’t know any of Those People, but I hear things. Joanna is not like Those People I have heard about.

I could almost agree with some of the arguments, if it were as simple as “everyone should work and pay their own way,” and that were it. But that’s not it. People who know absolutely nothing about anyone’s individual story or struggles start there and then rapidly devolve into all the stereotypes about Those People. And there is always racism to be found there, whether blatant and open or thinly disguised by phrases such as “urban families.”

Blessed are Those People, who shall one day be recognized for their strengths rather than vilified and then dismissed because of their perceived limitations.

Do you know/remember/understand how much “work” it is to take care of small children?

There has to be some psychological component to this meanness, right? I suppose the usual thing when you are trying to distance yourself so much from someone else, is fear that at some point you could become that person or that you are that person now, just a little bit deep inside. Not that you are “lazy,” or “greedy,” or whatever you think of it as being, but that you are not really so strong, not so independent, not so successful and competent and well-educated after all, that you are actually weak and needy and vulnerable just like everyone else on the planet.

So I don’t expect to change a lot of folks’ minds about the general subject of whether programs like Medicaid, WIC, TANF or Food Stamps should exist, folks seem to be fairly entrenched. All I am asking is that you pause before pointing your fingers. We are all the same in God’s eyes, however it is that our children’s immunizations or gallons of milk get paid for.

Ephesians 4: 29 – 32: Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were marked with a seal for the day of redemption. Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you.

James 1: 19 – 21: You must understand this, my beloved: let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness. Therefore rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls.

James 4: 13 – 5:16: Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a town and spend a year there, doing business and making money.” Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wishes, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance; all such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, commits sin.

Come now, you rich people, weep and wail for the miseries that are coming to you. Your riches have rotted, and your clothes are moth-eaten. Your gold and silver have rusted, and their rust will be evidence against you, and it will eat your flesh like fire. You have laid up treasure for the last days. Listen! The wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cy out, and the cries of the harvesters have reaches the ears of the Lord of hosts. You have lived on the earth in luxury and in pleasure; you have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous one, who does not resist you.

(These are not the words of Jesus, but those of Paul and James. My commentary states “the rich” likely refers (at times) to anyone not poor, or anyone who is not a member of the Christian community) (But I think there is a pretty clear warning to be aware of the damage you are capable of inflicting on those who are less powerful than you)

(I am also not making this request only of folks who are wealthy. It is for everyone).

Points of Clarification and Farewell, Catholic Readers (I understand if you want to leave)

At the risk of great understatement, I wrote a lot on Tuesday, and in re-reading it I wanted to make sure my main points were not lost in all those words:

1. Communion: I said at the beginning that “we” have never been denied communion when we have visited a Catholic church. That “we” is Matt and I, not either of the boys. We have been given and have taken communion in a few different Catholic churches, knowing it’s against the rules but thinking that our notion of “one baptism” is correct, and again it’s not our bread/wine/table. The thought that anyone, but especially our beautiful wonderful son who has a disability, might be turned away at the altar, is one of the more unbearable possibilities of life. I mean, really. Think about the Last Supper, and if some small child (Jesus was pretty generous to them, remember) had come, asking for something to eat and to hear some of the wonderful stories Jesus was telling … anyone who thinks Jesus would’ve quizzed them about their stance on abortion or assisted suicide or who can receive Last Rites … is crazy, in my humble opinion. That’s my main point – Jesus would not have turned anyone away, so I don’t think we get the right to do that, either. (keep reading, please)

This is Not Our Table & A Boatload of Disclaimers

(Unless specifically indicated, these thoughts and words are Joanna’s. They do not necessarily reflect Pastor Matt’s opinions)

(Yes, I am separating the official positions of the Catholic Church from the myriad opinions of individuals who are Catholic. And no, no one has ever denied us Communion when we've visited a Catholic church, nor have they asked for ID or membership card. But I worry someone might do that, to David)

(I certainly do not agree with every single position the United Methodist church takes,  especially those concerning gays and lesbians and marital equality)

I have taken Communion in a number of different churches over the years, but this past Sunday (9/2) was one of the few times it really meant a lot to me.

Campuses, and, Joanna Over-thinks Something

I recently took Simon and David with me to visit my undergraduate college, Western Carolina University. I’d taken Simon once before but that was during Winter Break so there were approximately two other people around. I’ve been promising to take him back when there would be lots of “college kids” (he latched onto that right away), and last week was a good time. Simon got much more out of the experience than David, as David was strapped in his stroller the whole time. Simon got to strip off his shirt and play around in this big fountain that was not there when I was a student, one of the guys from the fountain let Simon have a turn at his devil sticks (he was great, after a couple of tries he set it up so Simon would be successful – I could’ve hugged him) (the guy) (and Simon). And he got lots of compliments on his new “Avengers” backpack – the college kids all called it his bookbag, so he has started saying that too J.

Rethinking Diversity

About a month ago I wrote a happy entry (8/6/12 – Simple Happiness) about going to Starbucks in Wilmington with David, and the quiet, peaceful feeling it led to. There was something else I wanted to write about, but I didn’t want to disturb the joy of that particular post.

One of the women who came through the checkout line, and smiled at us, was a Muslim woman wearing an abaya and hijab (that’s right, right? – the dress and headscarf but not a veil?). After she and her son passed by, I thought to myself, “Simon has never seen anyone dressed like that” (He was born in Washington DC but we moved back to NC when he was one year old, so at least, he wouldn’t remember) (And no, you’re not missing anything, Simon was not present for this event. Just David and me, but I’m guessing David is not really registering stuff like this, just yet). (Stock Photo)

Blog Stuff, David Stuff

Dear Readers,

You guys are awesome – a thousand visits since things really took off (i.e. since I started keeping track) – but please, show yourselves! Let me know who you are, and become a member or follower, leave a comment, or e-mail me  – lots of folks are reading, but beyond some really basic info (a variety of places, operating systems, and browsers) I know nothing.  I'm interested in hearing from other parents, especially those who have kids with special needs (What's helpful? What does not match your experience?). But I'm also really curious about everyone else who's reading, especially those who do not have kids (What are you liking here? What is boring you to death that I should take out?) 

Team SyandDaveysMom! Team SyandDaveysMom! Team SyandDaveysMom!

Oh, and, keep reading: