Pajamas

** Fair Warning: This is a pretty serious, sad post. If you are just a casual reader you may want to skip it **

Under the separate headings of “Boy, this Sucks,” and “Not What I Expected” – Last week, I had planned to announce (in church, on this blog and facebook, to any other family that didn’t know) that Matt and I are expecting another baby, due date of Christmas Eve. It was going to be quite joyful, with a picture from our first scheduled ultrasound, and a caption reading something like, Check out the cool Christmas present we are getting.

But.

Three weeks ago I began having some bleeding off and on. For about 10 days I was on the phone with the obstetrician’s office, had two office visits and two ER visits, and had more bleeding and cramping (some mild, some severe, some excruciating). On June 8 the miscarriage was complete. I am now fine physically but Matt and I are heartbroken; this is about the saddest I can remember being, in quite some time. The journey from “it’s probably nothing but let’s get it checked,” to realizing and accepting what the ultrasound showed (development simply stopped, at some really early point) has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. … For a couple of years I was the social worker in a high-risk OB clinic, so I know this happens frequently, to a lot of women, at various points in the pregnancy. I also know (in my head, at least) that there is nothing I did wrong, and nothing that could have been done to prevent it. I know all that, but it hasn’t quite sunk in, yet.

The “Pajamas” title is because a few days after the problems started, everything seemed okay for about 2 whole days and as a vote of confidence, I bought a set of 3-month footie pajamas, non-gender-specific (yellow/green/gray with giraffes) at Target, as well as a new maternity shirt. For several days I kept one of the pairs with me in my purse, the other under my pillow, so one was always nearby. I held the pajamas tightly when I experienced bad cramps, and other times I just randomly hugged them. I am planning to find a nice box to keep them in, along with my hospital bracelet, ultrasound pictures, etc.

My current emotional state is one of realizing how quickly, even at that early point in the pregnancy (11 weeks) I had already begun the pregnancy state of mind. The one where I was already thinking about Christmas shopping and decorating, because we were going to have a baby on Christmas Eve and I wanted everything to be ready for the boys. The one where we needed to get a car with 3rd row seating sometime in the fall, because we were going to have a 3rd car seat by Christmas Eve. So now I am trying to get accustomed to the not-pregnant state. The one where I no longer need to get my maternity clothes down from the attic, and I can return to being the main litter-box scooper, because I am not-pregnant any more. Coming out of the grocery store one day last week and watching all the cars and shopping carts and people, I was hit hard by the fact that life is going on completely uninterrupted for everyone else – these people are just walking around as if this terrible thing has not happened. It’s an odd situation – so few people knew I was pregnant to begin with, and it’s not something you can casually offer as an explanation to, “what’s wrong?”

(( Don’t worry too much about my emotional state. I have lots of support and know that at this point, nearly everything I’m thinking/feeling is pretty much normal, and that it will take time and crying and talking and writing but that it will eventually feel better. Also I’m a licensed mental health person so I know how to get more help if I need it ))

We are thankful for many things about the life of our little family, especially our two boys and everything that comes with them. We are also grateful for what went well during this awful experience – the support we’ve received from family, church and friends, help with care for Simon and David, and the medical care we’ve received. We are particularly thankful to the midwife, Anne, who supported us in following this process the way we needed to, rather than rushing us to make a decision we wouldn’t have felt comfortable with. But I am most grateful that Matt and I were able to be together for most of the experience – I can’t imagine going through something like this alone.

Simon loves Nat King Cole, and we paid special attention to the song “Smile” the other day. Matt says that while Cole’s lyrics could sound pretty trite at first listen, he (Matt) thinks it’s a deliberate choice to focus on the good things in life – not to deny or forget the bad stuff is there, but just to focus on the good. Partial lyrics:

Smile though your heart is breaking / Smile even though it's aching
Light up your face with gladness / Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near …
That's the time you must keep on trying / Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile / If you just smile

And, from Isaiah:

Chapter 25, Verses 6 -8 (in part): On this mountain the Lord of hosts will make for all peoples
a feast of rich food, a feast of well-matured wines,
of rich food filled with marrow, of well-matured wines strained clear. 
And he will destroy on this mountain
the shroud that is cast over all peoples,
the sheet that is spread over all nations; 
he will swallow up death forever. Then the Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces …

Chapter 65, Verses 17 - 20 For I am about to create new heavens
and a new earth;
the former things shall not be remembered
or come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever
in what I am creating;
for I am about to create Jerusalem as a joy,
and its people as a delight. 
I will rejoice in Jerusalem,
and delight in my people;
no more shall the sound of weeping be heard in it, or the cry of distress. No more shall there be in it
an infant that lives but a few days,
or an old person who does not live out a lifetime;
for one who dies at a hundred years will be considered a youth,
and one who falls short of a hundred will be considered accursed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To end on a slightly lighter note: This may be an odd thing to be thankful for, but I keep thinking about one of our ER trips, to our local hospital. The ER itself was frustrating (not one of the “excellent medical care”s mentioned above), but in the waiting room was a group of late-teens/early-20s guys, none of whom were patients but they were all waiting to hear about their buddy who was the patient. They had all been riding dirt bikes or motorcycles earlier that day and the friend wrecked and suffered a compound fracture to his ankle (eeeeeek). Normally this would’ve made me kind of queasy, but listening to them describe this accident over and over, and talk about the various classes they were taking at the community college, and other young-guy-life stuff – it was sort of a relief, and we joked around with them a little about how long we were all having to wait. They were nice, you know? And I was glad to have them there, rather than someone who was really in pain and/or having some sort of psychiatric issues. I have also worked in the psychiatric unit of a hospital, so I’m empathetic to that situation, but I’m glad it was not sitting next to me in the ER that night. So thanks, guys, whoever you are.