I have been a little quieter than usual over the past few weeks, partly because I received what I am choosing to call, some negative feedback about something I wrote, not on this site. There were several, ah, facets to this feedback, and my position is that on the more technical issues, the person kind of missed my main point. I would characterize the feedback as (overall) discouraging and unhelpful, but I think the thing that bothered me most was that the person (who is a healthcare professional) discussed the number of times she has heard similar comments, in a way that made me feel that I had wasted all the time I took to write what I wrote, because I really have nothing new to add to the current dialogue. The person did not say that directly, but Matt agreed that was not a crazy-Joanna interpretation.
Making this blog open to the public, and writing the other thing, was something I considered for a long time before I actually did it. I’ve read feedback, comments and reviews on blogs, books and on-line articles that is (at best) negative and (at worst) flat-out mean, and I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with that. I will be the first to admit that I don’t handle criticism well, even so-called constructive criticism and certainly not unsolicited constructive criticism. Some posts I dash off quickly, but most of the time by the time I’ve hit “Publish,” I’ve put a fair amount of thought into what I’ve written.
It hurt, you know? To put all that effort into writing something and then have it nit-picked to death.
That may not be a fair assessment of the feedback – it’s kind of a complicated situation – but that’s how it felt.
I used to have a much thicker skin. When I started my child welfare job in Washington DC, I was pretty timid and my feelings were easily hurt, especially when dealing with attorneys and judges. But after a couple of years I was better able to roll with the punches, and by the end of my time there I felt confident in going up against the meanest lawyer in DC (which is saying something, there are a lot of them) – able to let criticism roll off my back and not take anything too personally. At my most-recent job, I had to deal with a lot of … personality quirks … that further refined my ability to focus on my job and ignore whatever I considered irrelevant or unhelpful. Also in life in general, I have come to understand that there is always somebody somewhere who’s going to be unhappy with what you’re doing. Perhaps by hanging out full-time with David (who is great at that unconditional positive regard thing) I have forgotten you’re never going to please everyone.
A couple of other communication thingies:
1. Two recent discussions (with relative strangers, but other parents of kids with Down syndrome) about young kids with Down syndrome using sign language. I’ve read that some parents have, historically, expressed a lot of concern that the kid might become dependent on sign language and it would ultimately delay them beginning to speak (when in fact, research has indicated the opposite is true, sign language just serves as a bridge). I happen to know a lot of ASL and have no reservations about teaching it to David. His speech therapist has encouraged it, and we’re working on a couple of things, but David also verbalizes a lot and I have not exactly considered it a critical priority. I think that in these two conversations, I have come across as indifferent or opposed to it, just because I’m not reporting that we’re working on it multiple times per day, every day. Maybe that’s not my lack of communication, maybe it’s the other person’s assumptions and lack of follow-up questions. And, yes, who cares as long as I know exactly what is going on with my kid? I’m not worrying about their perception of me on this exact issue, but since the same thing happened twice in a pretty short period of time, I’m wondering if I’m not expressing myself precisely.
2. A more general issue – I can’t think of a specific example at this moment, but more than once I’ve experienced making what I think is a simple and/or neutral observation, and it apparently comes across as a complaint or worry, when it is really just a comment/observation. This is my perception because the other person in the conversation seems to rush to either reassure my worry or present some form of a reality check regarding my complaint. Perhaps this says more about the receiver than the giver, or something, but it is frustrating because the conversation then changes focus to me trying to make sure I’m accurately understood, which might say more about me than about them.
Blech.
Am I really not as good at this as I think I am? I know you’re never going to reach everyone, and that no matter how careful you are, folks are going to hear what they need/want to hear. And of course I realize communication styles and problems are regular issues for most people, so I just have to make my best efforts at clarity and brush off the rest.
Speaking of my writing, there is absolutely no conclusion to this entry. You’re welcome.
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