Great Things are Coming - I mean, I'm pretty sure ...

Good morning, everyone! I'm picking up here after several (6?) years of no-writing. There have been a lot of changes this year for the H/Smith family, in addition to the Coronavirus and civil rights stuff we've all been navigating. We've just moved to a new town, in the Charlotte NC area, and are figuring out all the new stuff - doctors, schools, etc. My Dad passed away suddenly/unexpectedly in January, and then of course everything changed for everyone in March. I left my part-time job as a therapist after 6-1/2 years because Matt got a new ministerial appointment, and I'm planning to stay home with the boys for at least six months until we have a better sense of how the school year will go. We're still unpacking, but it's going fairly well, and the parsonage owned by the new church is *really* nice. We haven't met a lot of new folks yet, but we expected that.

I feel bad that I neglected the blog (and my parenting memoir, that I worked pretty hard on for a year or so), because I really enjoyed writing it, and got lots of good feedback. I imagine that figuring out David's new school situation will lead to lots of new thoughts/emotions - looking at the options for the New County, I'm scared that the system will underestimate him based on numbers (IQ, performance on specific tasks) and place him somewhere where he won't be challenged, where not a lot will be expected of him, that they'll give up on him. Where they won't see how absolutely amazing he is, how funny and sweet and yes, how smart he is, and they'll just put him someplace. Stay tuned for our adjustment adventures ...

Holy Crap It's Been Two Years

So sorry, folks, 

I'm gonna get back to it - I swear. :) 

Thoughts, feelings, etc.

(it has been a few weeks since I wrote this, not sure why it's taken me so long to share, but here you go ... this was all before the shooting at the church in Charleston, before the Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage, before that one week that I will remember for a long time. But those will all get their turn ... )

I think, I think, that these various thoughts are all somewhat connected. Hang in there, perhaps we’ll both be sure by the end.

1. Here’s a little story I frequently share with my clients:

Right after graduate school I moved to Charlotte, NC, and got a job as the social worker on an inpatient psychiatric unit at a hospital (gratuitous background info). One morning on the way in to work, I heard someone on the radio talking about a common instance of a road rage, of sorts, one that I could immediately identify with - You know when you’re on the highway and there are signs announcing that one lane is closed X miles ahead, and being a reasonable person you go ahead and get over into the other lane somewhat expeditiously? And then when you get up to the actual lane closure there’s some jackass who has been speeding along in the to-be-closed lane and waiting until the last minute? And in your self-righteousness you say to yourself, Shoulda got over sooner, dude, now I’m not going to let you merge in front of me? … I have never considered myself a stressed-out driver over the actions of others, but this definitely sounded familiar. The the deejay (I really wish I remembered what station/who it was, so I could write him a letter) said, “Just think about how much better your life would be if you just … let that go?”And right that instant, I said to myself, “You know what? I’m going to let that go.” I let it go, and have never picked it up again. 

And no, this is not necessarily a life-changer, except it was a little bit, and it’s a somewhat simple issue, but think of all the people you know who have never considered letting this particular thing go, all the folks who have one little second of mean-spirited triumph brought about by … doing what? Punishing the other person? You don’t really think that works, do you? You don’t really believe that person is going to say to themselves (and perhaps their close loved ones), “Wow, how inconsiderate that must have seemed! Thanks to that guy in the blue minivan, I have learned a life lesson and will never err in this way again” - do you? You being “right” in this instance does not do a damned thing - yes, you feel a little superior, but that’s not exactly the way I would want that feeling to be brought about. 

I just shared this with my younger sister over the weekend, and she notified me that her husband is in the “hasn’t let it go yet” camp, that he says out loud in these situations, “That guy needed to learn a lesson.” To which my wonderful sister (you can tell we had the same pragmatic mama) replied, “You know, you are teaching the lesson, but he is not learning it. You can teach the lesson all day and he is never going to learn it.” Ah, yes, grasshopper, simple yet profound. :)

Speaking of teaching, I heard this little gem from a Special Education/Exceptional Ed teacher, a loooong time ago, using the example of learning to make a bed. Just about everyone with the ability to move around can learn to make a bed, right? I mean, it takes some effort and practice to get it just so, but nearly everyone should be able to learn. This teacher’s statement was, “Just because I can’t teach you to make a bed, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn.” Adapting your strategy, basically. There’s something to be said for dogged persistence, but there’s also something to be said for “not banging your head against the wall.” 

2. So here’s a supposedly Zen little story: 

A monk told Joshu, “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.”

Joshu asked, “Have you eaten your rice porridge?

The monk replied, “I have eaten.”

Joshu said, “Then you had better wash your bowl.”

At that moment the monk was enlightened.

From the mnmlist blog: “I’m not going to try to explain that story, as I am far from enlightened enough to understand it. Instead, I’d like to focus the wonderful simplicity of that advice: Have you eaten your rice porridge? Then you had better wash your bowl.

This is something I think of every time I eat, and in fact whenever I’m done doing something. “Done eating? Then wash your bowl.” There is something profound and yet minimalist about this advice. It’s: don’t get your head caught up in all this thinking about the meaning of life … instead, just do. Just wash your bowl. And in the washing, you’ll find all you need. I’ve found this to be true. I literally wash my bowl after eating, slowly and with mindfulness. It’s satisfying, and takes no money and little resources.”

Now, my guy (Josh of becoming.minimalist) was referencing the other blog post, which references the story, in the midst of a blog post about how he stopped using his dishwasher and started washing everything by hand. The mnmlist guy continues his take on the Wash Your Bowl story to include not only hand-washing his dishes right after he eats, but also hand-washing out his clothing as soon as he takes it off, if it’s needed. I was already on the verge of laughing myself into a stroke about the no-dishwasher thing, but the handwashing-clothes bit put me over the edge. However the blogger is correct that there is wonderful simplicity in the advice - finish what you started, don’t leave a mess for someone else to clean up. Concentrate on one thing at a time, and finish that thing before moving to the next one. I’m not sure that it’s revolutionized my life just yet, but I do find myself doing a lot more of the little tasks (putting away shoes, taking something upstairs that’s waiting by the steps) that I would normally put off until later. 

2. In two consecutive days, I saw this as a meme on Facebook that said it’s a Zen proverb, and then on a magnet at Barnes & Noble that called it an American proverb. So whatever, it’s “Let go, or be dragged.” This was followed on one site by a David Foster Wallace quote, “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” It’s often difficult for me to assist my clients in striking a healthy balance between being proactive and optimistic, vs. letting go of what is (obviously?) hopeless. This is also somewhat relevant in my life at the moment, but not with anything I’m ready to share. 

3. Here are some thoughts about being kind to others online - I mean, it’s not just online, though that’s the example he starts off with, but generally being kind and the idea of “What I’m about to say - is it true, necessary, kind and helpful?” and if not, maybe don’t say it. 

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/answer-softly/

4. Shhh! I think the Crap-tacular Project is beginning to produce some results! Certain areas of the house do look less cluttered. There’s still a long way to go, but I am beginning to believe this may be possible …. hooray!

The Crap-tacular Project, Part 2: A New (Re-)Purpose and See, this is what I'm talking about

The craptacular project of ridding our home of 2,015 items this year continues full-force. I’m not sure that getting rid of stuff has helped overall cleanliness thus far, but it has made me hopeful that we will one day achieve that, whereas before I simply looked at all the clutter and basically gave up on ever having anything that was consistently pleasantly organized. By the end of March, we were a couple of hundred items over/above the number we needed to achieve in order to complete the whole thing by year’s end. But I’m guessing the first 1,500 - 1,800 will be relatively easy and the last couple hundred will be nearly impossible. 

One thing I’ve started giving myself credit for is not only recycling, but repurposing/up-cycling some stuff that’s been hanging around doing nothing. This also helps with the mental clutter aspect I mentioned in my last post - I have a number of projects that have beens sitting around half-finished for YEARS, and I’ve either picked them up again or have concrete plans to do so. There are a couple of dresses that combine the repurposing and the baggage-ridding: (1) my bridesmaid’s dress from my sister’s first wedding, and (2) a really nice, once-favorite dress from college.

(not a great photo; I couldn't get the light right)

(1) Bridesmaid: simply a full-ish simple ball gown skirt of this lovely scarlet-red satiny stuff and an off-the-shoulder black velvet top. This is not a bad memory - we have consistently liked the guy and thought well of him, and both parties are now re-married to others and by all accounts are quite happy. If it were a bad marriage, I would’ve tossed it a long time ago. This photo is not that great; I couldn’t get it looking that great no matter what light, and this was the best I could do. I wish now I’d just cut off the waist and left it as a large circle of fabric, because I’ve decided to make a hooded cape/cloak, in the spirit of this one featured on Urban Threads (an awesome site, BTW) but I’m hoping to get it even 50% this cool. The plan is for a black velvet outside (I have the above-mentioned black velvet top and a couple of others over the years; if needed I might pick up something at a thrift store) and the red fabric will be the lining and maybe the trim? Who knows? I have a number of other things to do before I get serious about this one.

(2) Little black dress: not that kind of little black dress, it was a sort-of hippie mid-calf affair with this lovely little floral pattern. It is well-made and fairly expensive, considering I bought it in college. It has the potential to be completely shapeless (like many hippie-chic dresses) but there were little ties in the back that gave it some curves. Why slice it up, then? The ties have fallen off; I was going to sew them back on but then I lost them. That likely could be worked around, but … every time I wear the dress, or even see the dress, it reminds me of the guy I was dating at the time I bought it. This was a very short-term … ? relationship ? … with a guy who went to a little private college somewhat near mine. I remember when I bought the dress, I was excited for him to see me wearing it, thinking he would really like how it looked. And maybe he did, I don’t remember. Our time together was disastrous and thankfully brief. In the spirit of, “that was a long time ago,” we connected for awhile on social media and that ended similarly un-well. So I don’t really want to wear the dress anymore. Why not just pass it along to someone else? Because it’s my dress, dammit. He is not going to make me get rid of this beautiful dress I bought with my own money, a long time ago. That is horribly contradictory, I know. But the idea is, make something lovely out of a life experience that was ugly, which is something I encourage my clients to do all the time. 

On the more straightforward de-cluttering front, here’s a recent project. I realize that the kitchen table is cluttered for a lot of people/families, but I am repeatedly shocked (well, maybe I used to be, now it’s more of a “dull dissatisfaction”) by the absolutely random, un-food/eating-related items that end up here and stay here, for no good reason. I give you Exhibits A-C:

This is all the stuff I cleaned off our kitchen table one day.
You will note nail clippers, paint, jewelry, glue stick and
Post-It pads ... nothing to do with preparing or
eating food. Nothing. 

Contents of the red box (in the foreground of the above photo). Goodness. 

And of the tray in the background. The pencils
and eraser are legit because this is where Simon does
his homework, but that's all. 

And the final product (isn't it lovely?):

A Crap-tacular Project ...

I have undertaken a personal challenge for this year - in 2015, I (and helpers) will divest our home of 2,015 items in an effort to beat back clutter. I know we're only 2 months down, but I'm still feeling pretty good about it.

I vacillate between a sort of cheerful, lazy acceptance of the state of our little home, and a soul-crushing level of frustration, guilt and shame. I have never been the world's most terrific housekeeper, probably, and having two little boys adds exponentially to the clutter. The result being, OMG look at this house I can't believe a person (neighbor, family) just came in here with it like this. Sometimes I'll post a candid shot on Facebook of the boys doing something super-cute, and then later I'll look at it and think, OMG look at our house I can't believe .... etc.

My younger (by 3 years) sister has been part of my inspiration on this. She does not have any kids, but even before we had the boys, her place was much neater than mine. I recall this very specific instance maybe 10 years ago when she'd moved into a small one-bedroom apartment, and she was simply puttering around the house, and I was idly watching her, and all of a sudden it hit me, this exact thought: OHHHHH! She.Puts.Sh*t.Away! I'm a little embarrassed to admit this was such a revelation, but yeah. She puts things away when she is done with them. I do this well while cooking, but that's it. Then a couple of years later, she moved into this really cute but very small house, and mentioned that she'd simply had to be intentional about living with fewer possessions, making difficult decision about parting with a lot of her belongings.

Then about six months ago I began following Joshua Becker at the blog Becoming Minimalist. He has convinced me that it's time to get rid of a major amount of stuff. One of the themes is de-cluttering, which is exactly the correct term for what I need. He is basically anti-organizing - to him organizing is just moving your stuff around, and it always has to be repeated, and for goodness' sake don't buy things to (theoretically) organize the stuff you have : Have Less Stuff. I have re-branded this as, Have Less Crap. Because that is a lot of what we have - crap. Arts and crafts crap. Kid crap. Paperwork crap. Etc. Another blog I just found is 365 Less Things; this is not an official recommendation because I'm still checking it out, but the titles of the posts seem promising. Also, unclutterer. And our family's birthday season is upon us - all four of our birthdays are within a six-week period, and I'm going to try my best to keep everyone to one toy, one book, one outfit. Making a concerted effort to keep anything new that's not really necessary (pens, stickers, birthday party favors, etc.) from coming into the house in the first place.

I'm also trying to de-clutter my mind and my to-do project list; there's an e-mail and social media component. Pretty sure I'm going to delete my twitter account, I'm deleting Pins like crazy. I've made a list of projects I've undertaken over the years that I never finished, and have established an order in which to complete them. My office, which is actually pretty good (that's likely 90% due to the fact that I share it with someone). Our spare bedroom is atrocious, but we're slowly making progress. I think I finally have my husband on board; initially he was concerned that I was going to give away everything we have. I explained it's not my goal to get rid of it all, just about 50% of it all :). (Yes, really). I got pretty discouraged over the weekend - we've done so much, and there's still so much to do. But today I'm feeling more hopeful. We are climbing out - slowly clawing our way to the top of the heap. My ultimate goal is to feel more at peace in a cleaner home, which will be easier to keep clean once there's less stuff collecting dust bunnies, and I won't be hunting/swearing/mentally collapsing every time I need ... anything :).

In case you're wondering, 2,015 items breaks down to:

168 per month

39 per week

5.5 per day.

I'm sure you're thinking, 2,015 items is a lot, especially given the above-referenced blog titled 365 fewer things. I've been unsure what a fair way is to count things - like, if I donate a box of 24 crayons to Simon's Sunday School class, is that 24 items or is it one? I have been sort of splitting the difference, doing half one way and half another. You know, approximately. A pair of shoes is 2, a set of plates and bowls is whatever number of individual things; paper and other stuff gets a lowball estimate. Hey, if you can do it better ... go do it your way :). By the end of February, we'd given up 292, which is 44 short of the goal of 336. But on March 1st, we'd boxed up 77 kid items (toys and books) for the consignment sale (see below), tossed 26 Happy Meal-ish type toys and 1 old makeup brush, and donated 7 glove/scarf/hat items to Goodwill (here, counted a pair of gloves as 1). So that's 111 items in one day!

"Divest" in our case means get out of the house, period. We are donating a lot to various places, we'll sell a ton of kids' toys and books at our church's consignment sale (and what doesn't see automatically gets donated), paper is being recycled and shredded, and various junk items are simply trashed.



Here are some projects I have completed (three Pinterest wins):

Cupcake "bouquet" for my sister's birthday

(She loved it)

Mason jars painted on the inside

I did these quite awhile back
but the photos I took were awful.

Why three shots of the same thing?
'Cause I'm like that :)

This is a melted-crayon project. I started out with the usual
vertical drippy lines, but then saw some like this. Tip that I include
for no particular reason at all - melted crayon will come out of light-colored
carpet easily, just using Resolve. Other tip: use your brains
and don't do this project on light-colored carpet. 

This is the This

(I hope this font is not too annoying. I like it)

Here I get to reference a piece I wrote a good while back, This is Not Our Table. You can read that, or just stick around here and I’ll basically re-tell it. 

The title of this entry of course reminds me of What is the What by Dave Eggers, about the Lost Boys of Sudan. I bought it for Matt as a Christmas present … oh, maybe 8 years ago? because I thought, this is so totally perfect for him, he will love it. And that was correct - he loved it so much that he already had read it and had a copy that I was unaware of. Oh well. Anyway:

There is a church in Asheville NC that does a tremendous job of outreach to people who are homeless. I mean, that’s pretty much why they exist. Matt knows the pastor and has visited there, and this is actually the story he told me (it is really.not.exciting. But it has an excellent point):

So the church serves lunch to folks who need it, I’m not sure if it’s every day or what. On at least some days of the week they have social workers and other similar people there at the church to help link people with the services they need. There is limited space, and so the link-up ends up running over into the sanctuary. In the sanctuary there is a beautiful carved table on the altar, for serving communion and … whatever else altar tables do, like hold rose buds in honor of newborns, and golden crosses and candlesticks and flowers. Anyway, the hand carving that is relevant for this story is, “Do this in remembrance of me.” For those of you who are not followers/worshippers, this is from the Last Supper before Jesus was crucified. After each instance of breaking the bread and serving the wine, Jesus tells his disciples to do this, “as often as you do it, in remembrance of me.” Matt says on the day he visited (and likely frequently), the all the stuff on the table had been taken away. A social worker from DSS had plopped down their laptop on the table, run the power cord to the nearest outlet, and was stationed there to help people get signed up for Food Stamps. One of the homeless clients’ dogs was tied to the leg of the table by its leash.

Now, some people would allege, and I might see where they are coming from, that this is inappropriate and they should’ve found another folding table or whatever. But I think if is perfect. As Matt says, when Jesus says do “this” in remembrance of me, this is the “this.” This is what we are supposed to be doing - welcoming people in, assisting them in concrete ways in addition to spiritual development. We can have nice things in church, and treat them as special or even holy, but let’s not let them become idols (thanks Juliet) - let’s not let the fear of a scratch or smudge stand between us and what we’re supposed to do. I’m not someone who commonly asserts that she knows what God or Jesus would say, but I do think Jesus would say, “Amen. By all means, this table is not doing anything else at the moment. If you can use it to help someone get food, please go ahead.” This is the this.



Brief artwork explanation: awhile back I began these little sketches; I think it started with a bunch of the sanctuary and Matt's office at our previous church in the mountains:

 

 

Then after a family member received some residential substance abuse treatment a couple of years ago, my sister and I attended a multi-family group on their behalf and I dealt with the idea of participating in such a group, rather than running it, by drawing this:

This was simply an idea I had, as far as the Lego characters go (there are also a few Playmobil thrown in). The Hostess chocolate mini-donuts on the table were really what inspired me , though I could not tell you why. Everyone I've shown it to has gotten a big kick out of it. I ask my therapy clients to draw a lot for me, and I show this to them to say, hey, I'll make myself vulnerable and show you that I draw too and obviously you don't have to be very good at it, so go ahead. And the clients have been fantastic about it, though perhaps it's simply pity :) . And recently I ran into someone who works at the residential treatment place at a conference and I shared it with her; I think "blown away" is an accurate description of her reaction. Not that the drawing is that great, but I think she was totally surprised that such a thing would exist. 

Matt and I have this really fun game, Who What Where, in which each person draws three cards (one who, one what, etc) and draws a picture including all the elements. Then the drawings get passed around and you get a point for each element that everyone else guesses. For example, Abraham Lincoln flying a kite in a bathtub. Or a soldier making pancakes at the mall. Probably the reason I love the game so much is, I rock at it. I'm still not claiming to be a great artist, but as Matt says, the reason I'm good at that game is that I'm good at conveying the important elements of each thing.  And I guess that's true, because there's a time limit so you have to get your point across quickly. So some positive reinforcement from Matt helped me to continue to do it, and now it's sort of a habit. So stay tuned ...

A New Fitness Complex

For the past few months I have been taking kickboxing classes at a local gym twice a week. This is completely a new adventure for me, totally out of my comfort zone. I have never taken any sort of exercise class of any kind, and what I knew about mixed martial arts and whatnot, you could fit into a very small container. So that was the point - something new and adventurous and a challenge. And I have loved it. I have purple and white boxing gloves and I’ve added a few pieces of … exercise wear? … to my wardrobe. 

I was a little nervous (but not as much as I would’ve thought) when I showed up for the first class. Like many women/girls I know, I have a nearly crippling level of self-consciousness about my appearance and particularly my weight/body shape. The first class was a good mix of ladies from all across the age and fitness spectrum - several women who appeared to be in their mid- to late 20s, and three that were definitely older than I. The older among us (I am 39) are variously pudgy, chubby, pick your term. Most of the younger girls are much more fit. And there’s one young woman I have described to Matt as my kickboxing hero - she’s likely 30-something, and not skinny, but holy crap she can kick the *&%$ out of that bag. She said she’s been kickboxing off and on for a long time, and in addition to being strong she’s really fast. One day we were doing this “A/B” thing where when there aren’t enough bags to go around, we divide up two to a bag and take turns, one person doing whatever punching and kicking we’re supposed to do, while the other jogs in place a couple feet back. On this day, this particular woman was on the same bag as me and just for kicks (hee hee) I counted my own kicks and then hers, just to see. And she did exactly twice as many as I did, in the same amount of time. I mean, I think I did 30 and she did 60; maybe it was 25 and 50 but whatever, she was twice as fast. 

So I’ve been much less self-conscious, keeping in mind the idea of, “everyone else is too worried about how they look to bother thinking about how you look.” This has been freeing and I’ve been able to concentrate on, you know, kickboxing. Form and strength and speed and whatnot. Even my usual ambition/perfection stuff has been quiet - though sometimes I wish I were further along than I am, I’m generally able to keep in mind, hey I’m just starting out and I’ll get there if I keep at it.

Until last week. 

:)

Last week’s Thursday morning class (I’m still working part-time, M - W) was a little discouraging. There were 3 or 4 young ladies I had never seen at “my” gym before, and maybe they were new to this gym but they were obviously not strangers to either boxing or general fitness. If I were (totally) like this, I might be inclined to characterize them as “archenemies,” as they were mostly blond and slender and cute and young. And the whole point of this post is, I did experience a degree of envy and dislike that was surprising. And I know “dislike” is not even fair because I do not know them, at all, and I’m sure they are perfectly nice people, since most people are, really. And of course it’s not them, it’s me - my lack of confidence, my sudden return of self-consciousness, my issues.  I totally 100% accept that it’s my issue. And while they may have had some genetic predisposition to thinness, obviously they do work at it. 

And, I was kind of glad when none of them showed up for yesterday’s class.  Another of my issues was that they all had good-quality, cute little fitness outfits. So after class I was inspired to go to a sporting goods store to shop for some new workout clothes. That was kind of a mistake, given my already-not-great mood and self-image. This was a huge, chain sporting goods place that supposedly meets all your needs, whatever your sport. The first item of clothing that I noticed, looked at closely, and then checked the price of? A pair of Nike women’s stretchy full-length pants that were $100.00. Not $99.99, but exactly $100. Jeez. So this awoke a whole different set of financial issues - we do okay, and know we’re fortunate to have what we have, but I could never justify spending that much on one pair of pants for myself. I suppose that raises the issue of whether anyone can justify spending $100 on one thing like that, but whatever; at this point I was really not feeling so great about many things. So I got a sports bra for $35 and got the hell out of there. 

So … this has basically been relegated back to a more appropriate percentage of my brain by this point and I can say, This is really not that important in the Grand Scheme of Things. I can focus on the strength that I’ve gained from my short time in class, and go back to my general idea/perception that I am basically “perfectly cute,” though I will admit some days are much better than others. I explained to a guy I know awhile back, if I know 100 women I would say that at least 90 - 95 of them hate their bodies to some degree or another. This is mostly related to weight, and ranges from mild dissatisfaction to pathological eating disorders. And if there were four different skinny women who were new to the class, my statistic means that about 3.9 of them or whatever have issues of their own - maybe they binge and purge or take laxatives or just feel like crap every time they look in the mirror, even when I think they look great. Many women I know are constantly on some sort of diet or another. I know guys have appearance concerns and weight issues as well, but all I can really speak to is a woman’s perspective and I will say, it’s different for women. For a lot of girls/women I know, it’s every day, multiple times per day, that they feel they are not quite measuring up. I don’t really feel like going on about advertising and society and what we learn from our moms and our friends, etc., although I could :). Today I’m just focusing on the results, not the cause, and offering some thoughts on how often this comes up for a lot of women, which I’m not sure is something a lot of guys think about or are aware of. 

(I’m so proud of the title of this post. 

Fitness complex, get it? 

… Boy, I’m glad I at least amuse myself).