(it has been a few weeks since I wrote this, not sure why it's taken me so long to share, but here you go ... this was all before the shooting at the church in Charleston, before the Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage, before that one week that I will remember for a long time. But those will all get their turn ... )
I think, I think, that these various thoughts are all somewhat connected. Hang in there, perhaps we’ll both be sure by the end.
1. Here’s a little story I frequently share with my clients:
Right after graduate school I moved to Charlotte, NC, and got a job as the social worker on an inpatient psychiatric unit at a hospital (gratuitous background info). One morning on the way in to work, I heard someone on the radio talking about a common instance of a road rage, of sorts, one that I could immediately identify with - You know when you’re on the highway and there are signs announcing that one lane is closed X miles ahead, and being a reasonable person you go ahead and get over into the other lane somewhat expeditiously? And then when you get up to the actual lane closure there’s some jackass who has been speeding along in the to-be-closed lane and waiting until the last minute? And in your self-righteousness you say to yourself, Shoulda got over sooner, dude, now I’m not going to let you merge in front of me? … I have never considered myself a stressed-out driver over the actions of others, but this definitely sounded familiar. The the deejay (I really wish I remembered what station/who it was, so I could write him a letter) said, “Just think about how much better your life would be if you just … let that go?”And right that instant, I said to myself, “You know what? I’m going to let that go.” I let it go, and have never picked it up again.
And no, this is not necessarily a life-changer, except it was a little bit, and it’s a somewhat simple issue, but think of all the people you know who have never considered letting this particular thing go, all the folks who have one little second of mean-spirited triumph brought about by … doing what? Punishing the other person? You don’t really think that works, do you? You don’t really believe that person is going to say to themselves (and perhaps their close loved ones), “Wow, how inconsiderate that must have seemed! Thanks to that guy in the blue minivan, I have learned a life lesson and will never err in this way again” - do you? You being “right” in this instance does not do a damned thing - yes, you feel a little superior, but that’s not exactly the way I would want that feeling to be brought about.
I just shared this with my younger sister over the weekend, and she notified me that her husband is in the “hasn’t let it go yet” camp, that he says out loud in these situations, “That guy needed to learn a lesson.” To which my wonderful sister (you can tell we had the same pragmatic mama) replied, “You know, you are teaching the lesson, but he is not learning it. You can teach the lesson all day and he is never going to learn it.” Ah, yes, grasshopper, simple yet profound. :)
Speaking of teaching, I heard this little gem from a Special Education/Exceptional Ed teacher, a loooong time ago, using the example of learning to make a bed. Just about everyone with the ability to move around can learn to make a bed, right? I mean, it takes some effort and practice to get it just so, but nearly everyone should be able to learn. This teacher’s statement was, “Just because I can’t teach you to make a bed, that doesn’t mean you can’t learn.” Adapting your strategy, basically. There’s something to be said for dogged persistence, but there’s also something to be said for “not banging your head against the wall.”
2. So here’s a supposedly Zen little story:
A monk told Joshu, “I have just entered the monastery. Please teach me.”
Joshu asked, “Have you eaten your rice porridge?
The monk replied, “I have eaten.”
Joshu said, “Then you had better wash your bowl.”
At that moment the monk was enlightened.
From the mnmlist blog: “I’m not going to try to explain that story, as I am far from enlightened enough to understand it. Instead, I’d like to focus the wonderful simplicity of that advice: Have you eaten your rice porridge? Then you had better wash your bowl.
This is something I think of every time I eat, and in fact whenever I’m done doing something. “Done eating? Then wash your bowl.” There is something profound and yet minimalist about this advice. It’s: don’t get your head caught up in all this thinking about the meaning of life … instead, just do. Just wash your bowl. And in the washing, you’ll find all you need. I’ve found this to be true. I literally wash my bowl after eating, slowly and with mindfulness. It’s satisfying, and takes no money and little resources.”
Now, my guy (Josh of becoming.minimalist) was referencing the other blog post, which references the story, in the midst of a blog post about how he stopped using his dishwasher and started washing everything by hand. The mnmlist guy continues his take on the Wash Your Bowl story to include not only hand-washing his dishes right after he eats, but also hand-washing out his clothing as soon as he takes it off, if it’s needed. I was already on the verge of laughing myself into a stroke about the no-dishwasher thing, but the handwashing-clothes bit put me over the edge. However the blogger is correct that there is wonderful simplicity in the advice - finish what you started, don’t leave a mess for someone else to clean up. Concentrate on one thing at a time, and finish that thing before moving to the next one. I’m not sure that it’s revolutionized my life just yet, but I do find myself doing a lot more of the little tasks (putting away shoes, taking something upstairs that’s waiting by the steps) that I would normally put off until later.
2. In two consecutive days, I saw this as a meme on Facebook that said it’s a Zen proverb, and then on a magnet at Barnes & Noble that called it an American proverb. So whatever, it’s “Let go, or be dragged.” This was followed on one site by a David Foster Wallace quote, “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” It’s often difficult for me to assist my clients in striking a healthy balance between being proactive and optimistic, vs. letting go of what is (obviously?) hopeless. This is also somewhat relevant in my life at the moment, but not with anything I’m ready to share.
3. Here are some thoughts about being kind to others online - I mean, it’s not just online, though that’s the example he starts off with, but generally being kind and the idea of “What I’m about to say - is it true, necessary, kind and helpful?” and if not, maybe don’t say it.
4. Shhh! I think the Crap-tacular Project is beginning to produce some results! Certain areas of the house do look less cluttered. There’s still a long way to go, but I am beginning to believe this may be possible …. hooray!
